VERY SPECIAL LADY

Procrastination: a bird in the hand

2011-03-02T21:51:00.003-05:00

So, I might have a job...that is if I can roll up tomorrow and get a drug screen first thing in the morning. I want to feel slightly offended that I am required to do a drug screen, I've never smoked, poked, injected, or popped pills in my life but that would only be to mask my total procrastination the last couple of days...
So Monday afternoon I got a call that I had gotten a job this recruiter was pushing me thru. Not my ideal spot, no vacation, paid time off or benefits, but been trying to keep an open mind, economy is flipping I hear and I've let a couple of other opportunities pass me by for less, it was time to put the petal to the metal. I vow by the time my people take their spring break cruise, I will be moving my city beige ultra suede sectional out of its 10x10 prison and into a new apt. That only gives me a month but I am just looking to God to do it for me...as I learn to stop procrastinating.
OK, this is partly an issue from before the economy took a turn but I think my leisurely days exacerbate it some, I mean most anything else not foreseeing a change in my daily activity, can be postponed. But apparently I have 48hrs to pee in a cup and 72 to return a notarized document...and I have yet to pee... or notarize...
So my plan is to get up pee first, straight way, then head to the bank to see the notary. Everything is all in the same area, and I could've done it but...procrastination, and I have awkward reasons why I haven't but they are my own... 1. aunt flo announced herself late Monday, and I just have been a little concerned about tainting the sample with blood, though maybe they should just take some blood, either way I'm clean but it might be super accurate. 2. At the bank, the account I only keep open for such transactions and quick check cashing, I don't want to be sold to, don't ask me why there is only .68 cent in the account, when you can easily check that you stole $15 from me last month in "transaction fees." So now I am getting my money's worth. And I am still debating whether I will close the account or leave it languishing for my personal uses such as visiting the notary and cashing -not depositing- funds, My credit union has been more than faithful, fair, and will get all my business.
So those are the main reasons why I may not be working anytime soon. But also I have been working on my other plans and positions, my hair issues, and the event this week, but this the bird in the hand. But Lord give me strength I am learning the lesson and I am glad I have only mentioned the job to a few people...but then I might've been on it if more people knew.

I know the recruiter is probably thru with me, but yanno I didn't take early am calls when I was working, I might've been up but I was tryna dress, driving, or trying to get my head in the game at work, I try not to talk to nobody before 9am. Anything before that is a distraction or interruption. Also, I don't have a super cute smart phone thats fun and does permutations or reads QR codes. Plus I've spent months watching the phone, praying for an interview some recognition so I got over it. Its a tool. So you might not get me when you call, especially if I don't recognize the number, and most especially if its before 9 because my thought is whats the emergency? but I won't budge. It my phone, I don't pay the bill but neither do you. And you don't pay me yet either so I can't jump when you ask. Maybe if a sista could get a cash advance...
So I'll be up in the morning trying to close this deal...it looks like one of my plan B's is out cause I've not heard from them and they were suppose to be moving expeditiously. But Lord give me strength as I try to become the person I need to be...
Perhaps a little internet window shopping will keep me motivated...

Ventilation...

2011-02-23T04:45:00.004-05:00

I am having a down day ... feeling some kind of way with 2 job opportunities forwarding candidate screening documents sitting to my inbox ... feeling some kind of way. One I didn't even apply for, recruiter called me, and for this specific position, I would question her skills. It will be the easiest to chuck ... the other feels like I am getting an legal addendum to what was a very straight forward job description ...yet here is the addendum... and its not stuff I can't do, but I struggle to find the perfect example that comes close to the scenario, thus the frustration that all this extra work will be in vain...yet again
I have prayed about this
Lord, you know I need a job, but I don't think I can go thru the hassle of the applicant/candidate process anymore/again ... I am tired
I can't write no essay/blog/
I can't draw a diagram
I can't give a business plan(unless wholly disturbed)
Without an offer letter in hand
I need a hit it and quit it uploading process because this is nuts
Perhaps these are the subtle weeding of the unemployed, slightly stale skilled or just self-doubtful candidate - catch me when my mojo was off
What say you??

This is probably going to be a multiple part series, but these are things I have experienced that have irked and frustrated me to the utmost.
If you see yourself, someone you know, or someone you have had to interview with in any of these modes ... just shake your head and vow to do better
People do better when they know better, as my Bishop would say...

Today I am going to talk about my network, friend, former colleagues, family
You kinda suck
I mean appreciate the conversations to vent, encouragement,
But how have you tangibly helped? And I don't mean everyday but you think you have done a lot when ...
You asked Have you tried/sent your resume to ....? I heard .... was hiring. Why don't you talk to...
Why, do you know someone working there who can help me?
I read one of those redundant job hunt articles that said don't pester your network about giving you a job or referring you but ask about their industry, knowledge, etc
Don't suggest applying some place you don't have a tangible lead or connection to. If you saw it in the paper or heard it on the news, chances are I and a thousand others did as well. I can find their site on my own time ... YOU ARE NOT HELPING. Glad you feel better though, especially since you ignored my initial emails for leads, or want to talk about me with your cousin or my sisters - hey but I do that too with the other unemployeds...
But the funniest thing has getting job referrals at the Unemployment office that direct me to a company website. Almost as funny as some of the unemployment staff getting laid off. Yikes! The cycle continues.
I know everyone can't run people into their company HR and say You must hire this person asap!
But...
did you buy me any resume paper, ink, stamps, offer to print and stuff envelops, or help fill out online applications?
do you offer gas money, or a ride, or lunch when I am craving steak and I only have enough for a value meal burger?
Get my hair/ nails done for a big interview I finally got to boost my moral?
No, but you feel so much better cause at least you made a suggestion.
Yet I am the first person you call to watch your brat cause you are scared to take a day off for fear of losing your job, cause I am "not doing anything"
Really
I believe it takes a village, but I have no problem asking what would you do if I was working? cause you should probably do that...
I am just venting cause this is all I have time to do, and just like this job search, its not done...
we'll see how I feel in the morning about the other stuff...

New Mercies, New Frustrations...

2011-02-22T19:20:00.004-05:00

Just when relief is on the edge of a knife, there are hoops and hurdles to continuously jump through.
What is the deal?
Sitting here looking at it like do I even want to be doing this?
Or is this 2 years of lethargy speaking?
God is Good, all the time
So I am uber frustrated with EVERYONE else. And me possibly too.
Lord, give me strength ...
I don't know if I can do this, and I don't want to do this
I am in bad shape! I'm not even sure what to dream of any more, or what I dream of...I just have series of objectives and needs that are not being met and I am out to take care of them as efficiently as possible.
But there has to be a better way than going thru all these worksheets, writings, reports, screenings.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-26T02:11:00.003-05:00

Nativity, the Advent... I just thank God Jesus was born, lived, died, and rose again. Christmas trees or no.
I am praying, got a lot of things on my mind and heart.
So pray for me.
My posts will get better, or at least more interesting...
2011, Get Ready....

TODAY

2010-11-22T18:25:00.000-05:00

I AM SO SAD TODAY...

Being Single IV

2010-08-31T20:44:00.003-04:00

I'm going to a wedding at the end of the week.
I guess. Marriage is not looking in the cards for me. True companionship is looking slim as well. I need to get back to work and pull myself from the error that has been the last 1.5yr...maybe I should tack on the time from my previous job cause that was an error as well... Really I can list several situations I just did not take advantage of or handle well. I guess this is what happens when you get older. I just feel like I am under performing in my life, but then if you've read my posts on my family, why am I not surprised. #DISAPPOINTMENT #REGRET
So I'm thinking of going to this wedding, where a young man is about to marry his baby mama. Thank goodness for the child's sake. I wonder would I have gotten or wanted my baby daddy if I had gotten pregnant somehow. But then I look around at my family and other friends and know that is not fool proof. I'm glad for this young couple, but sad I didn't get the opportunity to be a young bride.
So I am looking at myself and trying to make changes but then its like, why do I need to change, I thought there was someone for everybody, they say.
So who am I for??? Who is for me? and that is an all encompassing question...
I get this call, well actually a mobile IM from a guy I haven't seen in 6yrs, talked to in 4yrs wanting to reconnect or something. I wasn't impressed with his presentation then, and I am not impressed by his digging himself out of this Ph.D program (yeah get the $$$ I know) to have a convo about talking again. A lot has changed in me over the years, and my lifestyle is different, so I hope he is not looking for the old me.
Even though she was more fun than the me I see today, and that should not be, or so I am told. Circumstances.
Anyway I am still single and will still be so this weekend, and the next. I'm Ok with that, there are a lot of other things I want to change though so I will focus on that and revisit these ponderings when I am 40.

HAD ENUFF? part III

2010-08-22T23:46:00.006-04:00

...but the way of transgressors is hard Proverbs 13:15
Caught up with my girlfriend over the weekend on the phone. She was trying to get her de-stress on after a couple of hellacious weeks with a sometimey district manager, who we are coming to the conclusion is trying to prove her worth to the company by running my friend ragged. The manager will be taking maternity leave soon and wants to have a job when she gets ready to return I suppose. I told my friend to get that business smoothed and straightened out in a hurry. But like I said, she was trying to relax on her days off after working several 12-16hr days the last couple of weeks, but unfortunately she had to pick up her uncle to help her move, again. In only about 6 months time she received another set of letters requesting her to vacate the premises. Her and her live in boyfriend... Who needs the drama?!?!

Remember in Part II, I talked about how her man's mother checked out the apt complex for her own tentative move, slipped and put her son as a referral with my friends name, but they played it off like a slight of wrist. Well apparently it set off warning bells for the apt complex. Now my girlfriend said she felt anyway like she was being watched all the time or like she couldn't get comfy in the new spot cause maintenance always needing to come in and do XYZ. I'm wondering if that was just the community way-hyper sensitive, or cause she moved into a community in the same management group as the other and they got the word about her boyfriend and were to be on the look out.

N.E. Way, it started with a noise complaint, apparently the neighbor downstairs- a single mother, was annoyed with a vibration or something coming thru the ceiling. My friend acknowledged one day having a speaker or something she was connecting on the floor, but once she got everything set up it should not have been a problem ever again. After speaking with the apt people she attempted to touch base with the down stairs neighbor who didn't want to answer the door when she was obviously home.
OK.... My issue with that is, if you live on the 1st floor 1. give people upstairs a chance to settle and especially if it is not 2am don't trip over a little noise 2. go meet the people upstairs 3. you move upstairs and see how you like getting called about noise every other week... Then they got a heads up from the downstairs neighbors across from them, that the other couple on the 2nd floor were instigators, basically keep them out your business cause they had arguments with the previous tenants, so she and her boo kept it good morning, good night with them. So I guess after the initial transition, my friend just doesn't feel settled. Her man has to keep himself on the super QT since the suspicion from his mom's actions, and they are still dealing with the legal issues on that deal.

So maintenance is needing to visit the apt too often it seemed, like if we just move in shouldn't the a/c filter have been new? She started setting up for when maintenance would visit, that is, to plant items in particular ways so you know if it be messed with like Mister in Color Purple. I've done that before, close a bedroom door and place a shoe or book at a specific angle behind the door so if they open the door, they might just think this is a pair of shoes she changed her mind about last minute, but really its me knowing how far you went to get the door open/see what you could see. My friend said she was pulling a chair with the door, she didn't want them in the bed room period and they'd have to work to get the door open - leaving tread marks in the carpet, and work to get the chair back like she had it behind the door.
So it ended up like this, they wanted her to vacate cause of noise, the dog, and her man. They claimed additional noise issues, which were not reported to her in writing or directly. They claimed coming to apt about noise and her man answer door, he said he didn't but I'm wondering could someone play like they were looking for someone else, maybe a pretty girl and he fall for it? The dog, not sure why she had not registered the dog and paid pet deposit, aside cause cash flow low cause she had just started new job but still...Her grandparents have been ill these months as well so that is a distraction as well. But basically once they figure after all these occurrences, probably searching the apt, asking neighbors, and referring to the previous complex that there is a person not on the lease in the apt, they ask her to vacate 6 months into the lease. And not comprehending, she is about to return to the complex she lived in when she first moved to Indy, the one she fell on the slick sidewalk with 3yrs ago and is still tryna get a settlement. Are there no other complexes in Indy??
What?!?!
All in all, she is starting to get fed up with the situation. Mind you nothing crazy has happened since they moved, I guess her boyfriend continues to meet with his attorneys about the events of the beginning of the year I guess to expunge any charges and maybe bring a lawsuit against the police, and he continues working and everything, but his drama, his family drama is a bit much for her right now with work hassles and now the concerns about her grandparents who raised her. There has been talk of the ending of the live in situation cause whatever benefits there was suppose to be in it have not come to fruition.
I met the brother, but haven't had the sit down dinner meet and get to know my friends man event to see if I approve long term, even though they been living together over 2 yrs, I guess since she left the apt she is suing. Tenderoni's they can act mature, but they go thru changes and phases I have already been thru. I ain't got time or money to wait for a young man to figure out what he wants to be in life at my age. One minute you are super saved and anointed, called to preach, teach, sing, the next I can see your public hairs on FB talking about Schapps, arm around your best friend who is a woman and has her tig ol bitties out...different issue

But my girlfriend is weak minded in this situation, taking after her mother who had a military career and traveled, but retired and took up with a man in less than a year, then moved across country with him and still ain't married. My friend men are attracted to seems like she is not not without a man, they just all have a flaw, and we all do but she generally ends up with someone with the family flaw, I guess like her missing daddy upbringing, her serial monogamous behind gets the ones with mama issues, and siblings ain't right either cause of mama issues. But I don't think she has the emotional fortitude to say, I'll be over here, you need to find a place to stay cause I can't be going thru changes. I dunno but hearing this story I was just like, have you had enuff?

What I miss most III...

2010-08-06T02:53:00.004-04:00

I have a sweet tooth
and I have been watching the food network too much, the other night my mouth was so moist I thought good grief.
I am living in a culinary no mans land. I live in a concentration camp.
The Bible says you don't work you don't eat, and I am not eating. Anything really good anyways. Nothing interesting or adventurous. Its like this, my father is a health fanatic, not necessarily health but looking for the fountain of youth and long life. Anytime someone on TV hollars out a food with extra vitamins, good for this or that he is stocking up. He orders herbs from the South American sage Left Eye Lopes would visit. On the inverse my mother is very overweight and lazy, or rather slowful mainly because the weight or some other factors caused some arthritis in her knees, a couple of my aunts have knee issues and I'm just keeping an eye on my caps. I try to give her credit and sympathize for the arthritis but losing some weight would not hurt, and then when you throw attitude get it, do it, walk yourself. She's just not active and has the means to do so, where unfortunately I feel too much jiggle on me so walking more would not be a bad idea, the Y membership - even though my father said he'd pay is not worth it now. The grocery coming into the house is soul food with healthy twists (greens with turkey leg instead of fat back), frozen low cal dinners (cause unless its going in one pot my mother doesn't cook meals), fish weekly (though generally fried, they are southern), fruit, and canned veggies cause my father is into soup he mixes himself. I miss having my own kitchen....
MY FATHER THE MIXOLOGIST
What I get off my father is a lot of entitlement and trying to subtly control, in his house. OK you just stay in your house...
When we were young the mixing was cool, ice cream with candy BKA Blizzards at dairy queen. They just celebrated 25yrs? I guess before they hit this region my dad was blizzarding for years before he became a health nut. But now it is annoying and inconsiderate. Left over juices, he'll consolidate to one container, bottles of sauce amalgamated, without asking. Most recently he purchased some budget hot sauce - he loves the dollar tree and all the discounted foods apparently but he keeps getting burned cause they are not very tasty sometimes ie why they are at the dollar tree and discontinued. I had bought a bottle of durkee's that I tried to keep on the low but since my fathers hot sauce was crap my mother sniffed it out. One fish fry day I reached for the hot sauce and was kinda perplexed cause I thought there was less in the bottle than I presently saw. I began to pour when I noticed some discoloration in the sauce, actually 2 shades of sauce and immediately knew he had been at it again.
FOR THE LOVE OF RAY J!!! His response was he was trying to give HIS sauce a better flavor. Then why not pour some durkee into your bottle and leave the rest of my sauce alone?!?!?!? I'm noticing he rarely throws anything away when a purchase is #fail, just mix it with something that tastes better, no matter who it belongs to. Now ownership is all relative considering I am pretty dependent on their benevolence but ownership of even small things is helps me keep some sort of normalcy in this elongated economic wasteland. So I am livid but he is please with himself.
But days later he tried to atone with a new bottle of hot sauce, the kroger generic....when I am sure the durkees was not a foot away and just 20 cent more expensive. Its really not about the brand but its the flavor, when something works it works, tried and true and I seldom stray. But my dad has always looked for the budget alternative, or goes for what is convenient for him, and just expects you to make do with it. Its been like this as long as I can remember, having to make do when I ask for something specific, even with school. And they wonder why I only have do things for them, cause I only get half of what I need. And this is where I'm talking about offending my sensibilities, bad habits that I tried not to carry from them into my life. I recompense fully when I am able. Its like when carrie bradshaw had her $500 shoes stolen at a friends party and the friend wanted to give her half that cause it was outrageous to the friend to spend that much.
This was another instance like the salad dressing a couple of months before...my rarely used bottle of honey french got eaten up in a salad phase, but then he bought 3 bottles of tomato vinaigrette when it was on sale. Bought me a dollar tree brand french when I complained, that tasted like cardboard, so I bought my own and wrote my name on it. He ate his dollar tree brand...mixed with his other dressing cause it tasted like cardboard. LORD HAVE MERCY ON ME!!!
And because we all need to loose weight, he subversively tries to control us My mother is trying to keep peace i.e. not have a discussion about her weight and lack of motivation by keeping certain foods out of the house or on the low. But I know she gets lunch when she goes out, cause she can afford to but I mean I know she meets an aunt or something to talk about me and other gossip over a sit down meal. Or hits up her favorite spot on the way home. She kept bringing me rib tips from Famous Dave's which I know she sampled before I'd come to eat cause she'd be having the chicken or fish, and she'd want me to eat before my father came home so she could hide the evidence. Then I told her I'm tired of tips and famous daves, but that is what she coveted. So she switched to brisket and a link, her favs as well. I said Good grief.
My father motivates nothing and inspires even less, for all the success he has had professionally I guess his mental issue he has to leave some of that pride coming in the front door. Their form of constructive criticism involves comparison and berating each other, and he is better at it. Not that his argument is better but maybe as a man seem more vicious to us emotional females or because he lacks emotional intelligence he takes it there. I think sometimes, my mom gave up prom and got knocked up (with me) for this??? And I worry, cause I never want to experience this in ANY relationship, but Lord what type of man will I attract because of this type of father. Provider, yes but he has not been my friend, he is never my confidante. He is right when he says I treat him as a means to an end cause I am treated like a brat to be scolded and you missed your chance partner, now you have to take it like you give it.
Once I leave this house
In his most recent railing I informed him that once I set foot outside that door prepare to be short a daughter and anything God see's fit to spring forth from my womb. I said it in anger, but not in haste, it had been mulling in my mind for a while, knowing what goes on in their house I will not put my child thru it and I will not suffer it any longer than I have to. I have to search my heart because I did mean what I said and I do mean to protect my children and myself from the malice I experience under the guise of criticism. I wonder is this personality and attributes them genuinely or something I bring out, or their reaction to the situation I am under. Wonder if they would be different if my younger sister was the one in dire need. I have to admit my resentment towards her, always having been so popular and favored among people, always eager to please my parents. But the cock roaches that creep thru her apt since she had been pressed upon to let our youngest sister move into her condo by their father last year give me some solace.
I went back what I miss 2, and my ponderings on Job. Have to re-read on how long Job was down, and I guess this is a test of my faith cause I wonder when my change comes will I appreciate it? Will I get to enjoy it cause all I foresee now is a lot of work to pay bills and get out of this house so as to NEVER return again. I realized I am in no financial position to consider buying a home or marriage, not that there is a ram in the bush anyway. But when morning comes what will be revealed in the light and will it discourage all my hopes and dreams?

.trying to feel NORMAL

2010-08-06T02:41:00.000-04:00

Foolishness
Nonsensical
No foresight
Was the worse decision taking the job or leaving the job? I DUNNO. still unemployed and starting to lose hope for plans in the latter part of the year

I do know things that I would normally do, I can not do, and am starting to not want to do. I'm trying to feel normal, because it helps keep me motivated. I am normally generous, maybe to a fault, but I am losing that ability some. I love social gatherings, but less so now cause I either have no money to participate, and life goes on without me. I guess I am starting to resent everybody, not just those in close proximity with. I just continue to resent them cause they continue to hurt my feelings and sensibilities. Not to mention whenever I get a job I'll be too busy working to pay bills for any recreation.
When a holiday or event comes around and I want prepare a signature dish or contribute something I get funny looks from my parents. My mother was puzzled at my desire to make a pasta salad, always a favourite, and try out a chess pie recipe cause I had a craving for some. We are not feeding everyone, she said. Its a potluck and our gentlemen cousins are supplying the meat so who is feeding whom. I'm sure she'll have a carry home...Which was funny cause she was preparing a pot of baked beans and her own potato salad cause she can't eat every bodies mixed foods, yanno, everybody not clean even family. I think she realized how hypocritical her comment was when I looked at her, even though maybe she was speaking more from my being on my last dimes since my contract position had ended that month, but she opted just to make the beans.
I did see - and eat - my mothers signature potato salad that day, I guess she commissioned my sister to do. I opted to just do the pies that didn't turn out very well #fail, and the pasta salad was sorely missed.
The other thing that got me that day, and I have spoken of my mothers gluttony before, I stayed in bed cause it was going to be hot anyway, and got to the park in time to eat. I recall stopping thru the kitchen and picking up several serving utensils cause I just like to be prepared. But I thought surely, people brought what they needed, plus I got a vision of my mother making a snide remark about are those her serving spoons people were using, even though I went to grab older, gently damaged, or borrowed utensils we forgot to take back to church after an occasion. I could've grabbed some of my nice stainless utensils but, they are nice. Get to the park, as expected my mother is sitting on top of the food, in as close proximity as possible. Plate full, didn't expect anything less. I also noticed boxed desserts that came from a local bakery being guarded on their table, and I knew very few people would get any of that dessert. But as I headed for the line I noticed people where scooping up food with plastic forks and serving spoons. Good Grief! Nobody brought any utensil? Everyone too lazy to run get plastic serving tools from the dollar tree? Even the grill masters where sharing a knife and a pair of tongs between them for all the meats.
Then, in normal black folk fashion, somebody brought their white girlfriend, late, who proceeded to get her plate and be hawked by everyone like she was about to contaminate food that had been sitting out for hours, attacked by flies. If yall had brought proper utensils she wouldn't be digging into the food like so.
And that pricey bakery dessert my mother was so careful of, at some point her attention was elsewhere and my cousin saw the last slices there and wrapped them up to go with her. When my mother noticed them gone she was about upset, but acquiesced to that particular cousin that she had had her share and to go ahead and take some home. Anybody else she would've feigned an attitude for a while and depending on how much she really wanted the cake she might not have accepted an offer to spit what was almost 1/4 of a cake left. But this was my uncles daughter by his first wife who the family kinda forgot about in her early adult years, so she let her slide.

I have to talk this out cause criticism is not welcome in their house, unless it is of other people (namely me). This and these kinds of actions, attitudes I was trying to get away from, only have to deal with special occasions, and even then distance myself from it. I am working with the loving people but not liking their ways. But everyday I have to be here is an assault on my sensibilities, assault on what was NORMAL in my life, and it is one of the most disappointing things to date, amoung the list of all the disappointments in my life.

Everyday is met with trepidation cause I'm not going to have a job in the morning, as it takes weeks sometimes before you get a call about an application. Recently I've been a bit surprised a couple of rapid responses, but we're playing phone tag or after a convo they really don't want to deal with a relocating candidate in this economy when there should be so many more local candidates to consider. I had one prospect but it was entry level $12 to clear their bills. I played and charmed my way to them asking for references. But they got snippy at one point cause I was not receptive, they didn't see my enthusiasm outside the office anyway. Basically when they called or emailed it was sometimes a day before I responded, and I really didn't send the formal thank you's gushing with comments cause they jumped on me every couple days I didn't take time. The day they called about reference I had just had 2nd interview and had them with me just slipped her and my mind and I was still in area when call came but missed it until later. I want to say you don't pay this phone or internet bill, heck, I don't pay it but I answer when I want and if I recognize the number. You don't pay me at all and not offering enough to be on call. I'm mentally struggling with this opportunity, my resume is obviously over qualifying, but I know you can use me and I can use you. But its just, is it pride or just frustration that this is what my life has come to??? So that was about 2 weeks ago, the dept manager spent a week on vacation, my references said they talked me up, but has anyone called me...
So knowing that I won't be getting a paycheck anytime soon just makes a lot of day to day ridiculous even though all of the working advice bloggers, interviewers, career coaches say get up, get dressed, keep a schedule, meet with people, volunteer. The last thing I want to do is give it up for free, I mean I know I am blessed in so many ways, but don't patronize me. I know what I want and what I want to do, I just can't afford to do it.

And that is also what burns me up day to day...tbc

Moving forward

2010-07-10T14:40:00.006-04:00

Some days I am really unhappy. Some days I am just like blah. There have been days where I wanted to die, just dig into my flesh and just pull it away until there was nothing left of me. Other days I am filled with so much hope and optimism, I can not and will not be stopped.
What is the matter with me? Its just these economic recession blues I guess. And now I am ready to move forward, even with nothing. Even if its all alone.
I've understood for a while that I would have to do things alone. There would be no support or understanding, sharing a dream or vision, like Joseph, would be met with ridicule, scoffing, jealousy, and hating. So I keep them to myself, and keep going. That is the limit of their understanding, their faith and their drive. But I've got a little more in me. Even if some things seem a degradation or several steps down from where I have already been, I'm trying to wrap my mind around doing it to get to where I want to be. I too hate when certain people are right, but some people are only as right as their options and their realities. Everything they've put their trust in, and God help them if that ever fails them.
Thus it begins..
So a couple of things. It already started when I got my tax ID for my new company, my business consulting services, which will progress into a wedding/event planning and consulting service when I become more sure of my skills and experience. I want to get my PCM and CAPM
So, I am guessing that means entertaining this job I interviewed for last week that will only pay me half of what I made at my last job to come up with the money for the testing fees. Mind you, the job has not been offered but when they are upfront about the low pay, its generally cause they need someone asap, and I can do the job - but don't ask me to do anything else. Cause you don't pay me to do the extra. I plan to get my certifications by January 1 and be out the gate at the start of 2011 as the MA/MBA does not seem to be forthcoming...their gonna regret not helping me....I'm not looking forward to routine, mundane, and uninspired work but cash is cash. I guess I have been obstinate long enough and passed on other opportunities that now look better when things were going good, but now to really get things going I need to get going.
This is better than what my thinking was this time last year....I was at a loss. I am already getting the books to study for the CAPM, its actually my MA hours that helped me qualify so at least they are useful for something right now, they neither hurt nor help.
I'm just trying to make a plan and work a plan...

I am also about ready to move my church membership. Its just time cause I don't believe I'll be interested in what is being offered/still available at my old church. WOW, how things change. How I never saw this for us, I'm sure no one did. I wonder was it something our Bishop saw, knew in his heart about certain people which is why he wanted to keep them near the fold. So, while I'm demi enjoying some freedoms, I know there is business that needs be done within an organized setting. I'm looking for a new position out of state, but while I am here I will stay with a church and people I know, even though I enjoy one of the alternatives I have been visiting. I guess perhaps I feel this settling will help me with other decisions. So that is something I will have prayed out by the end of the month, even though I have a strong idea of which was I am going.
WOW, life is so far from where I want it to be...but I am going somewhere and moving forward regardless......but where am I going?

Being Single III: Whether you are or not, I am learning something from all this...

2010-07-07T00:59:00.004-04:00

This can also be titled HAD ENUFF, PART II

Earlier this year I was busy working and mourning so I let some things slide, like blogging. People in interviews sometimes ask me about my social media savvy, and I play around with a lot of stuff but I don't tell people where to find my blog, blogs I follow or post too, yanno. Cause I'm not talking about anything relevant to the job, I'm just talking about what I'm talking about...
So I could talk about a couple of my uber pregnant younger cousins and the dead beats they support, or my older cousin who is 40, single again (though not divorced) and partying up all over town since she broke up with the love of her life who got out of jail last year after his wife of 2yrs maybe, framed him and ran off with another man and the money. He went back to his barbering career, moved into the condo above my sister, and professed undying love to my cousin...until the hoochies got too numerous to pass up...but you live above my sister and everyone has a key to the spot. You didn't think you'd be caught, or you didn't think we'd playa hate and tell, cause we do all of the above when it comes to kin...
Instead I will give you another episode of shacking up in the new millenium, enjoy!
So at the turn of another broke New Year for me, my friend was working at a retailer (one of the jobs she finally selected in HAD ENUFF) that was planning to shut its doors after the months of her getting it into shape, firing all the prostitutes and the drug dealers (yes in the store) and getting the sales dollars up, they were shutting down. But once again in less than 90 days (I am coming up to 60 back on the unemployment block so I got 30 days to make it happen) she was back in a management position and actually kicked butt with record sales nationally for her knew company
But I digress...
Just as she was coming to the close of the old position, her boo gets caught up in more young negro drama, and I'm just gonna tell it the way I believe I heard it....
One leisurely day as she is preparing for the final days of work, she looks outside her window and sees some officers in their complex questioning residents about a what she would later learn was a robbery. Apparently, a cop that lived on site had his apt burglarized, so the blue code was about to be in full effect. My friend went to work and left her boo at home.
When she got back home that evening she notices that the officers are back/still there. Her boo was still home chillin on the couch cause he didn't have to work that day. She gets relaxed to settle in for the night, cozy with him when he gets up, goes to the bedroom and says he is going for a walk. A few minutes later he come busting into the apt, runs past her and to the patio door. She is like what really goes on? As she goes to shut the door 2 officers burst into the door past her and out the patio as well. Her boyfriend leaps from the 2nd floor patio to the ground, and I'm not sure how he fell, if he hit his head or what. All I know is he is apprehended but had to be rushed to the hospital for injuries. Since she was not kin she couldn't get 411 or go in to speak with him as he is technically in police custody, so she contacts his mother. I can't recall all the details but I believe when she gets home that night and the officers that came thru her apt want to do a search for evidence - evidence of what? They don't say, she has nothing to hide so she lets them in. Thinking they have random ghetto negros, she notices the cops are kind of impressed by her degree and awards on the wall, not to mention her boos certifications in retail loss prevention and security. They leave after a while having not found whatever they are looking for.
Its almost 3 days before she can see or get info on her boo. Apparently, he was in ICU... somewhere in his fall or in the process of arresting he hit his head because dude started having seizures that he never had before, and had a couple seizures in the hospital they were tryna get under control. Nothing else was broken I believe. But apparently they are trying to take him in on suspected theft of some nominal items I believe - cell phone, some small electronics, maybe cash from cops residence - which were not found in their apt.
But if you didn't do anything, why were you running?? Cause that was the negro response when a cop calls you when you are or ain't doing something suspicious.
But still why all that running? Cause apparently he bought a gun off some dude that hangs around the neighborhood, no questions asked. Not registered, maybe no serial number, just bought a gun someone was selling.
So I guess he sat at home that day tryna figure out what the cops keep coming by for, yeah he knew the cop who lived next building over, his kids played with their dog sometimes when out for a walk. But I guess he got nigga guilt/just being young black and male, about his new firearm and was trying to ditch it or get to his car and take it to his mothers perhaps, I dunno. But this lands him in the hospital for about a week, on a medication-perhaps a blood thinner to avoid seizures, and then straight to jail where the cops are trying to put everything on him with no evidence, no witnesses, and squeaky clean record and the fact he works in law enforcement. A firearm was not a part of the stolen goods from the cops home. In the end I think he spent maybe a month in jail and hospital, they cited him for outstanding parking or speeding tickets but that is about it.
Except...my girlfriend gets a letter from the apt complex stating she needs to move or be removed from the premises while her boyfriends charges were pending because they don't want open/known criminal living on premises.
OK, but his name is not on the lease, even though he gave that address as his primary of course, but he has no legal responsibility to the unit. So why does she have to move? Cause they are throwing some convoluted issue, plus living so close to the victim - the cop - he or his family scared of retaliation or something, they had already gotten an EPO on her boo.
What?!?!?! On what grounds? Just scared cause they accused and pursued the wrong person. And since he wasn't charged with anything criminal in the end, not to mention he was not on the lease she is suing the apt company for putting her out and keeping her deposit because of a stain on the floor that they felt they needed to replace the whole carpet for and charge her. A mess!!
Little did they know they were doing her a favor cause the apt with another 5 months on the lease was about to be too expensive on the unemployment budget. But with the EPO her boo could not help her move so she had to pack it up herself and call some of his friends. They moved to a nearby, cheaper neighborhood with updated units.
TIRED YET!?
Then his overbearing, needy mother saw some of the apts in the neighborhood and when she filled out a visitor card put his name on it with my friend as the resident referral. They really didn't want her living over there and now it seemed they might be moving again because of the slip because the legal issues hadn't been settled yet. But she played it off so the apt people wouldn't notice.
I don't know where they are now with the whole issue, has he pressed charges against the PD, is she suing the apt complex for termination of the lease. She has an outstanding lawsuit from 3 yrs ago where she broke her ankle from the sidewalk not being salted/scraped at a previous complex that is still being mediated. This was prior to him and I hope she keeps that money to herself.
But yeah, a day in the life of cohabitants
I am learning something from this even if she is not....
...the way of the transgressor is hard. Proverbs 13:15

Being Single II: a deal breaker

2010-07-05T01:54:00.002-04:00

Vanity strikes again?
Perhaps, perhaps not...
Minding my business, trying to have a much needed after worship chat fest with my cousins, my girls. 6-7 of us standing around, a few kids under foot - none of them mine. Standing around on a beautiful spring day when some dude comes up, wants to start hamming it up with us.
Everybody wants to be down with the team, why is that? Guess we just look good and look like we are having fun. So I guess I am looking single and childless, so now a brother is asking me a bunch of questions -about us-that's how it starts. He knows a couple of my cousins, they regular visitors. The rest of us ya might catch 1-2 a year. I guess I looked the least busy in our own convo and not watching a child out the corner of my eye. It reminded me a scene from my favourite movie Emma, when I'm being constantly distracted to a by an annoying question.
He's in my face, ugh really. I mean we are friendly but your proximity is about to put me thru changes....I mean, where did you come from? I've been visiting for a couple weeks but as I have not been properly introduced or identified you for myself I can deduce that you are not someone in need of any misappropriated encouraging by conversation. Yet there he is, right there.
And I am being polite, you know I am...but then I notice, to my horror, his teeth.
And I lock up for seeing others with dental maladies sends me reeling. His teeth were quite brown and half plaque and tartar. Yes he was that close and I got that good a look. As someone who loves her dentist and has to keep her oral hygiene in check, stuff like that makes me want to immediately call her up and make an appointment.
I didn't always love her, or him rather...the dentist I was introduced to as a teen was a horror, not until I started selecting my own did I become more comfortable with going. And the technology is so much better and I became a more thorough and diligent flosser, though I could still get better. I just wonder what could make someone never want to go or go back, I could imagine but don't want to.
But yeah, this man is in my face and a healthy smile wins with me all the time. So he's got to go. Or me but we are not becoming familiar.
I forgot how that situation ended, but I am definitely considering going back to my cold shoulder and just packing up my goods and moving when people start talking and interrupting my space and my peace, like the more recent episode with the gospel thug...

Being single I: gospel thug

2010-07-04T01:19:00.005-04:00

This isn't going to be an anti man rant
I hope...
Just a catalogue of some recent experiences.
Firstly, last week I was at church, as usual, but visiting another church. I come out of the ladies room before service and come face to face with absolute ridiculousness.
Ridiculousness is sad, absolute ridiculousness is terrifying - you can quote me on that
And he was not 5-10ft away looking and coming at me dead on, I almost wonder was he waiting for me to come out of the pee pee. I worked hard not to roll my eyes, there was no where for my disappointed gaze to go. The only resolution when I can't roll my eyes is to laugh, but that wouldn't have been polite either. He had to see the dear baby Jesus in my eyes, so I just closed them and allowed him to make a move to where ever he was headed because I don't recall the men's room being right next to the ladies room. Really I think he was quasi checking for me and other women, trying to expose himself to whomever had not seen him come in, and get the lay of the land being in a foreign facility. In order to lessen the appearance of disgust I tried a half hearted greeting in that same instant that came out as a mumbled jibberjabber... #fail
I'm going to my seat...that's what I get for trying to be fast and scope out another brother whose picture with his wife is posted firmly on the entrance wall. That was a man.
What was I looking at?
Another brotha, supposedly a brother of the church, but I mean the way he was dressed I could've pick his type up at any neighborhood park on a hot summers night. Perhaps that was his next destination. He was wearing long shorts, sagging, sneakers, and a white tee, and I think a matching bandanna around his neck - yanno to keep all the sunlight at 8pm from beating down on his delicate bald head... A gospel thug.
I was just raised to expect more from men and for there to be a standard amoung God's people, but I guess that is how you tell the wheat from the tare.
Lord help me.
I am under no illusion, were is possible to get more than 30 seconds of my attention in private his loose rap would be all out in the open. I feign small talk so his not so subtle attempts at convo #fail. Thing is, you been a member for the last 3.5 years, if I'd had any interest in it, I would've been after it. I'm not Beyonce', I'm just saying we out number you 3-1 easy, maybe 4-1 in some age brackets. Ya been hemming and hawing around, waiting for my move I guess after a couple of sisters were nice enough to invite you to dinner 1 on 1. And I know you brothers work better 1 on 1, but shunning the social invites is not a good look, especially if you like a social butterfly like me. But yeah, they did the dutch thing with you and gradually exposed your major flaws, which were slowly circulated, not to mention the MAJOR f 'aux pas made amoung your peers we do respect, making your presence of non effect on a prospects level. And now, you ain't even on the friend list.
We still love you with the love of the Lord
But you showed your ace, or more often than not, your behind and we want no parts of it.

When it sucks to be you....

2010-06-22T12:29:00.002-04:00

OK
I am trying Lord...
Today linked-in is giving me a list of people that it might be a good idea for me to connect to, yanno friends of friends. And this woman's name is listed and I'm thinking that sounds familiar, so I click and she is the person who beat me out for an internal position over 4 yrs ago. At least that is the way I see it...none of the other internal candidates had a chance cause they were too bitter older women...much like I am becoming....gracious
And I am looking at the chicks resume thinking 1. she is quasi lying 2. she left the position 5 months after I left the company...she wasn't in the position more than 6 months then...
Good grief
She's lying because she only uses the last title she held - the job I wanted - as her position the 2 yrs she was with the company. When I am pretty sure she came in a different capacity and title, though I will give some of the duties probably overlap (to her advantage), then she was on maternity leave, and when she returned it was just sketchy. Looked like she was all over the place when you had to be in a position 6months or a year and it was just shady. So yeah, when I got the word in November I had not been chosen that ramped up my job search, and I bounced in April to the tune of a 40% pay increase with an international company.
Yay me.
But I probably would've held on had a known old girl would've jump ship...
stick a fork in me...this is just the way my life is going

Very Special Lady

2010-06-22T01:34:00.001-04:00

Baby, for every time that you felt love was taken for granted
And I didn't care
Well, these are just a few words
To let you know how I feel
Hey, yeah
(Let me be the first to let you know)

Oh, I had an awful dream
That you were needing someone else's love to take the place of mine
So I over came the distance
That challenged my persistence
I let my ego go and drowned my pride
And you ask why

You're such a special lady
Though I haven't told you lately
So let me be the first to let you know
Such a special lady
Though I haven't told you lately
So let me be the first to let you know

One more thing I need to say
Is that I need you every day
It's not the same 'till you come back to me
Girl I've loved you from conception
So if you follow my direction
I'll lead you where you always need to be
Right next to me, oh

You're such a special lady
Though I haven't told you lately
So let me be the first to let you know
Such a special lady
Though I haven't told you lately
So let me be the first to let you know

Let me be the first to let you know
I appreciate the things you do for me
When you're loving me at night
Let me be the first to let it show
I'd show the way to go
Cuz every waking move is oh so right

You're such a special lady
Though I haven't told you lately
So let me be the first to let you know
Such a special lady
Though I haven't told you lately
So let me be the first to let you know

Rain again....

2010-05-28T01:48:00.002-04:00

There are some moments in life that last but second, others linger, drag, and wear on.
But whatever the moment, it irrevocably changes a person forever.
They can not be the same person, whether they want to or not.
Sometimes its for the best, sometimes its not....
Is it up to that individual? My mind tells me yes, but my heart with all its been thru screams NO.
I know I am changing, and I will not be the same person
Not the same woman, daughter, sister, neighbor, employee or friend.
I think I kinda understand where Kanye was coming from a couple years ago.
Sometimes its for the best, sometimes its not.

"There is a painful difference between the expectation of an unpleasant event, and its final certainty..."

2010-02-07T11:59:00.008-05:00

" Legacy...cannot be classified a ministry if it dissolves when you are no longer the director. Any ministry must be able to evolve when you step away and into the next assignment. This is the office of an Apostle!
An Apostle is the planter. He is the one "SENT" to establish a work, set in motion the key players, establish a vision and mission and then be able to move at the very Word of God into the next assignment, without leaving any stone unturned, or any gift unstirred. Once foundation and cultivation has been established, another can water, but GOD will give the increase. "

From this man's legacy I come, and I pray God grants me the strength, wisdom, love, peace to continue on in the vision and mission of the Glory of God. I loved and will miss Bishop Moore, I thank God for being raised under his teaching, elegance, and class - a lot of which is sorely missing today.
What can I say about a man who surrendered and allowed God to use him so fully, and be an example to those around him?

BISHOP ALLIE T. MOORE

1911-2010

Kentucky First Ecclesiastical Jurisdiction
Church of God in Christ, Inc.
1948-2009
Who is left among you that saw this house in her first glory? and how do ye see it now? is it not in your eyes in comparison of it as nothing? Haggai 2:3

Unbelievable

2009-11-23T23:54:00.001-05:00

Your love is unbelievable
Your love is unconditional
It never spares no pain, it always stays the same
Your love is unbelievable
Your love is unconditional
It never spares no pain
Your love lifted me when nothing else could help
Your love lifted me when nothing else could help

The Future / God has stepped right in on time

2009-11-15T23:52:00.006-05:00

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future." President JFK As I reach the close of the year, I am having to make a choice. I love the quote above, but what happens when the future, as you expected it to be, is STOLEN (for lack of a better word) by usurpers and sup planters? By the envious and devilish?
I came to a conclusion some weeks ago, about how God operates, and in my mind I can accept it, it makes sense, and the evidence is all there. But in my heart, or because I can't see the perfect image God is creating, it looks like such a waste. All the hard work, blood, sweat, and tears of faith in action being swept away, undermined, and consumed.
So I just have to pray the Lord will make it perfect in the end....

Once again. As I passed the 1 year milestone, woefully, annoyingly, and perturbedly it looks like I will be going to work on Monday! Under contract temporarily, but work just the same. And in an area of interest, which was always the goal anyway - didn't want to just do anything. I'm still not settled on the idea of living here and I am trying to identify my main reasons, number one primarily being there are no interesting men in my circle of friends. Aside from just my physiological preferences, I have religious constraints and time constraints that I am in and the pickings are slim. So I want to put myself where the cotton is high and ready. But then I ask myself, at this juncture are you ready, so lets go on.
I was perturbed recently at a article that had surveyed employers that think it is better or prefer a candidate that has been working part-time doing a related job, than full time at any job. I'm thinking if you are fortunately employed, doing what you like or went to school to do, then you have the luxury to say that. But should that rug be pulled out from under you tomorrow, you'd be applying for anything at a similar salary level you can to maintain your lifestyle, keep your bottom line.

Should I Be Concerned?

2009-11-12T00:39:00.004-05:00

Should I have been concerned a long time ago?
Coming swiftly upon a year of unemployment.
That's 1 year. 365 days of uninterupted unpaid leisure.
Which would be all good if I were independently wealthy
But I am independently in debt
Which I could be thankful for, it not straining a relationship I am trying to be in
But 1/3 of my life is gone and what do I have to show for it, and will I be spending the next 1/3 correcting the errors of my youth?
On day 366 perhaps I will discuss what I've learned these last 365 days
But today it is quite unnerving to consider where I still sit professionally, which is no where.
This weekend I volunteered, which is the closest thing to work I've done in a while, and some one asked " do you have a degree for this type of thing?" Initially I thought no, but then realized I did have a telecommunications degree, I just use other aspects of my education when I am working. Another asked "what do you do?" I said nothing, I am quite at my leisure. I'll have to explain later what I was up to in entirety, but I just wanted to update that I am yet unemployed and yet pissed about it.

You have not because you ask not....

2009-10-21T01:26:00.004-04:00

If I use this as a place to work out my issues and say things I haven't woman'd up to in real life, then just indulge me.

Its my page anyway.

I AM TIRED OF ASKING

No one can read minds but God, thank goodness.

But yanno, people have cycles and patterns and so take a hint at least. You seem to be able to identify the culprit when something goes wrong, but you can't identify when someone is in need or has a desire?

I'm tired of asking because I have gotten shut down so much, starting when I was young. And perhaps if these "No's" would've come with a little more explanation and a few less "because I say so" I'd feel better...

H.A.L.T.

2009-10-20T23:59:00.003-04:00

I heard this acronym months after the fact...

Never make a decision when you are

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

I think when I decided to resign from my position last year they caught me on at least three of these. Hungry, cause it was morning and while not a breakfast person. Lonely, that is obvious - 1000 miles from family and friends, miles from the nearest black person, oh and chronically single, and Tired cause my flight was delayed the day before and I still had to drive like 2 hours home from that airport so I almost didn't go to work that morning. But I remembered they were coming, but didn't know they had additional business to discuss.

My heart and head where already gone though, but they made me Angry with the discussion, not because what was being said was untrue, but because there was really no place to go with it, they offered no resolution that was beneficial for me, so that is all four. I think they would've accepted me staying, but being mad to be there, because my leaving made them 2 for 2 in the eyes of the client and their superiors for picking folk to be at that location. It really ought to have made everyone (agency, client, department/team) check themselves, I know I checked me and am still checking me. When HR asked me how to get someone else up that way, I said frankly yanno the client sucks in all the local talent, but you need to find someone local or settled personally - maybe kids or newly married that will think twice about jetting on yall.

Thru the grapevine I hear my sister has a new job and I see her position posted online. I'd apply but I know she was not getting paid much and working very hard. Curious to see where she is going. Another friend finally got called to another position within her company, she want me to call her but I'm jaded so I'll holla at her Nov 1 once she is making a move. I'm jaded, yanno, before I was eager to see her make the transition but today I can't be bothered. I have more applications to fill out for hourly positions that won't hire me.

Meanwhile, I am only getting phone interviews on out of city gigs - have another on friday, got shot down today on sub teaching - I mean did I really want it, no but yanno I got clean background so what the deal. I have another phone interview Friday and I still have not been called back by an interview in August, or the folks a couple weeks ago. Not even the corporate email.

Of course there was Friday's issue, I still have not thanked them for their time.

And I dunno

I guess I'm not going to Memphis in a couple weeks and I'll spend the holiday wrapping gifts

And new year is just around the corner....

Intervieux Faux Paux

2009-10-16T16:49:00.005-04:00

I know yu HR managers and recruiters are feeling yourselves right now with all the available candidates to choose from at your beck and call, but really, let's have some class about ourselves.
Why did I just leave an interview and feel they were more interested in my previous company - since they deal with them - than me?
Is this what the industry is coming to? Bad form.
I would've told you about my experience for the asking, but I guess they didn't want to outright say we're not sure if your experience translates, but can we ask you 'what the motivation is' with this other company??? And the blanketed, if you've not heard back by this date go ahead an assume we've hired someone or are still looking (its still not you....)
Uh huh.... Would I be wrong to call them on it in my "Thank you" correspondence? I should've thrown back on them, now see I know xyz company (competitor) handles things this way....But I was taught to be a professional and have INTEGRITY... I can't buy an Amen right now...
Suppose to hear back about 2nd interviews by today on another position...after 5 their local time and no call or email. They will get a shout on Monday, hope I am not getting dissed, this is the position I really prefer.
Got one of those email inspirational letters, so I decided to take a cue and ask the original sender (as far as I could see) who worked for a company I admired about job openings, and specifically where she worked.
She directed me to the company website.
Look, I know you don't know me from adam, so stop sending my friend junk to forward to me and I won't talk back.
The days of my life....

What I miss most....2

2009-10-08T20:58:00.002-04:00

The weather is changing
How nice, though today is raining steady showers, then cloud burst. I looked to the skies today and saw them rolling in...another day...
I've been going thru my winter clothes and putting away the summer things. I forgot I had all these things, but I guess when they've spent half the year in storage its easy to loose track.
I miss my own closets, my own bed, sheets and pillows. I would be swapping to the jersey knit now, which are warm to the skin when you jump in bed and settle in.
I miss my DVR and watching the programs it recorded for me all day. IMNTBHO there is no reason to have cable/dish and not a DVR in 2009. You can't watch all those channels, nor do you want to. I know what I want to see, thank you for the schedules, let me program them in and get to business.
I miss cooking, in my own kitchen, with my own cookware. I have quite a collection of stainless steel cooking tools, and recently visited Macy's to see if there is some new business I need to get. Saw a chicken fryer skillet, just looked like a deep skillet to me. My understanding is that cast iron is still the best way to go, and I have 3 - that are uncured though - after 4 years or so. I want to get another multipot (my sister stole and ruined my original one) and a bamboo steamer. It is chili time, and I am going to be wanting some of that soon fo sho...And caramel cake, all my good bowls, mixers, boilers, and pans - in storage. Cause its about to be holiday time...
I miss sitting under my hair bonnet to deep condition and then dry my hair. The blow dryer is fine but I haven't had a good roller set in months, unless I do it in the evening where it can dry all night - optional but not the same.
I miss not having to, or rather, people feeling like I have to talk to them everyday. Especially when I am not in the mood, but even when I am not. Like, you have not done enough talking today? You haven't said all that needs to be said? Must be me being use to living alone and not having anyone to talk to, and them not being my choice for conversation.
I HATE when people start talking, and you ask them to save it for another time, you want to meditate in peace. Or you tell them someone else may be better suited for the conversation. Instead of respecting your request, they continue talking into the atmosphere, because if you're in ear shot you will hear it.
Then trip even if you did hear it but choose to ignore the childish banter because you said, in the most pleasant inside voice that you were not interested a long time ago.
Freedom of speech is guaranteed by the constitution, the right to be heard must be earned.
I hate working people trying to ask about what I've been doing. If you don't have a person for me to call today and get hired in my dream job

I MISS MY INDEPENDENCE

I was thinking today, hoping God would have mercy on me TODAY because I am quite at my limit, I mean going any further could produce a violent response, I mean I am just there in my mind - I want to tear something up. I generally don't throw fits when I am frustrated or angry, don't break things because it'll generally be something I need. Whats the point?? The wall, glass, table, door didn't do anything.
It sounds quite worldly, which is shocking, but though I am learning to do with less - I don't want to and I can't understand why. I don't fall for the prosperity gospel but the gospel of self sufficiency is what I have lived by. Especially when people are sometimey and have their own expectations and are not sharers. I kind of like the default I definitely can't participate cause I have no cash, gas, space, but I could've said no with 1 million dollars and plenty of time on my hands.
I was thinking about people in the Bible who lost things or things that were taken away, or when people are taken from something to something. I remembered God has never given back exactly what you had. In my mind I see myself back in my duplex or back living and working here and there, time going back to a poor decision and being able to make a different choice so that this present does not exist.
But that has never happened and it never will.
Yanno, I'm sure Job missed his first set of kids, flocks, and homes, but God gave him more and better. Double for your trouble. David had sinned and the son died, but Jesus is still the seed of David. So with the present and future, God can make things right. I have to believe that God is preparing me something better, and to move me to a new place.

Hoping on Hope

2009-10-02T22:42:00.004-04:00

CHALLENGES

I expected times like this - but I never thought they'd be so bad, so long, and so frequent.

Tell me about it....and yet you still find the strength to go on and keep trying. How is that?

Waiting for my new phone to arrive, and a new number which will not be very convenient. But it is what it is and what would be done. I am grateful.

I really want some pizza. A week or 2 ago I had a craving, went to nasty Cici's instead of GattiLand trying to save money. Cici's is where you can take the kids if you don't want to end up spending another $50 on tokens for games. All they have is an arcade. But the food is naaaaaasty, they don't turn over the bar enough to keep it fresh, plus the sanitation was questionable too. I was soooooo like should've spent the extra $2-3 for Gatti. Or walked the bar before I paid. I've decided to attend a church coffee sip tomorrow and guess I'll just have to make due with some Lasagna.

The weather is saying its definitely Fall, my most favourite time of the year and I am praying for a miracle. I want to be in Memphis in November but my funds say NO. But the Lord is speaking to me so I am going with the flow and ask him for his help and protection.

Cause I am also trying to work thru some the things I have been observing and experiencing since the spring, spiritually. I want to say I can't believe this is happening right before my eyes.... but then I know I knew it was coming, just not right now I guess. I feel like Shante' in Two Can Play This Game: I did not think my life would be the subject of todays lesson.

But why not?

So with that thought in mind, again I have to go to the Lord. It still hurts to be separated from those you love and care about a grew from and with, but I think I am getting strong enough to walk away from the situation and those that remain. So as not to be fighting against the will of the Lord, and prophecy of old I watch and take note, thanking God for everything and everyday.

Not feeling very special....

2009-09-29T01:59:00.001-04:00

I NEED A RIGHT NOW BLESSING!

September, Indian Summer of Indecision

2009-09-27T23:26:00.000-04:00

There is so many things to talk about and deal with, were to begin....

First, I am trying to give God thanks in everything. Even in this incredibly long season (in my history) of want/need, I am still trying to put my trust in Him. I'm trying to accept the areas where I am finding myself short and correct them, because I know I can not move on successfully without doing so. But its hard.

Last Sunday I did not make it out to my historical house of the Lord, even though we had a great time Saturday as the legacy committee honored our founder and pastor (regardless of who has been preaching & occupying his office undeservedly IMNTBHO for the last 6 months). When reality hit Sunday morning, I opted out - well I had already decided to visit another fellowship anyway, but I didn't make it out the house until dinner time. It was probably for the best not going to my regular service because the pretender would've spent the morning trying to glorify himself after all the honour given to our founder the previoous day. But I do need to get myself back on a schedule and go to bed earlier so I can get fed somewhere. I have not been to sunday school since I returned home, but I make weekly Bible study and have been doing a lot at home and internet research. My eyes are really being opened.

Last Sunday I texted my cousin, I was ready to visit a new church established by former members of my home church. Some people were mad/disappointed when the church split, but honestly I could not see these individuals sitting under the pretender. After observing his mannerism and hearing the self exaltation - now don't get me wrong, sometimes you gotta let folk know who you are and what you are working with- but there is self confidence, then there is exaltation - which is usually bred from insecurity, which means the confidence ain't there. But I could not see the talent, ministries, anointings of individuals dampened or hindered by the new pastor. He is the jealous type, seeks approval, inclusion, etc...Enough of that, I enjoyed the evening service with my cousin, and I miss the faces, the mannerisms, the sounds, the love. And so on the one hand, I could really chuck it all and make a move. This Sunday, I had to usher - got the text in the middle of the afternoon saturday. Good thing cause I was planning to visit another fellowship . The new pastor was out of town and the assistant pastor whose been around 10 years preached a good word, something normal and SOUND, so I could handle it.

So into another week, still unemployed but I dunno. My resume is everywhere, I guess I could go to this job fair tomorrow to make $10hr doing customer service, but I know me, I'd bail in a week. I need to be paid to do a lot of nothing, or a lot of interesting things. So I am still waiting, as we approach November...

Laugh to keep from crying, part II

2009-09-10T15:23:00.006-04:00

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

I was listening to an interview of Kirk Franklin on the Donnie McClurkin show I guess, talking about all these false prophets telling the people all these good things were coming and going to happen, and we're in a recession, but you still telling them to give, sacrifice, etc... I had never heard Kirk go off like that before, all the gyrating and shaking he usually got going on, he was bringing the Word. He said something though, these are the times when people are losing their minds, because of all the grief, housing, lack of money, jobs, etc.

Today I want to say I KNOW THAT IS RIGHT because I am just inches from the cliffs of insanity, and have sense enough not to listen to the prophet-liars. I am outdone just by the little things now, and they say when things hit rock bottom that is when things turn around....Well I am trying to keep my trust in GOD and praying when I awake in the morning somethings will be turned around. The delay is not working for me and if it is me holding things up, LORD HELP ME, PLEASE.

I got my appeal response

and am revising my resume to say 'Graduate Studies, 2004-2006'

How do I feel about it? Yanno, in line with everything else I did my heaving sobs, now its just time to focus my energy elsewhere. I can be mad when I get a job and am still paying back my student loans for a degree I am still only 3 elective hours shy from acquiring.

THANK YOU WEBSTER UNIVERSITY

Yeah, I am busting them out today. I had already planned to take my alumni money to a REAL UNIVERSITY like NYU or go back to my undergrad alma and get an MBA or PharmD. But we'll see, this is not the last they have heard of me....

My Father, the emotional rock that he is, can not comprehend how I, with my education and experiemce can not find a job, but my baby sister with 8 years undergrad experience can apply online and get a job over the weekend after a temp assignment ended a week ago. No, it wasn't engineering or management position, and its definitely not in my field of study or interest. Just your run of the mill customer service or call center or medical transcription low frontal lobe, low dvancement, flexibility, change, plug and play position. He then starts saying I need to put on my resume essentially, ignore the BS and the quasi MA degrees, 10 years of specialized work experience that I hoped to build into something, I am desperate!!! Wow, how uninformed this know it all is. I mean, I have a dumbed down resume for general application to positions, but my real resume is the one that is usually more searchable. I want to ask him if you hire soooooo many peeople/screen applicants, how many times have you seen that in your searches, matter of fact what would you do if a resume came across your desk. Only GOD grants me the grace and wisdom and patience to entertain his foolishness, but I weary with that EVERYDAY. Just like God is angry with the wicked everyday, I am angry with the people who stay in jobs they claim they never really liked for 30 years and have never written a resume or interviewed for a job in the modern era, my field, as a woman, as a black woman who doesn't look like Beyonce. I try to remind myself that he is hurt not seeing his daughter in this quandry not fulfilling her dreams, etc... but really it is about some pride of HIS, HIS EGO that he has a floundering child he can't boast about to his kin, oh and his money. My next post will have to be about the tab I started running the night I was illegitimately conceived. But my main ire is in my belief in God and his unbelief. He believes in God, but not as a saved, sanctified Christian - he was raised baptist so he might be holding on to some once saved always saved notion. But I have to trust God in these things, he is the only thing getting me up in the morning and I know there are things all in His control. My father has not relinquished control he wants to

control control control control control everything!!!!

I hope I don't sound bitter, but it is in these times that the best or worst in people come out. I know what I am seeing but I hope that is not what I am giving.

YES, I am disappointed everyday that passes without a solid lead, call, inquiry. I am looking to November now and thinking I am going to have to miss this and that. I was trying to get out of holiday stuff anyway because I hate pre-holiday shopping, the post sales are the bomnb, but yanno everyone else haasn't given up the consumerism. NO, I am not willing to work anywhere and do anything, but don't make it like I am sabotaging my own chances because you make suggestions I don't heed because your comments have no merit in my situation and you don't want to believe you can be wrong as 2 left feet.

Then to top it all off, when I got in my car this afternoon somehow I had managed to bend my car charger - the only charger I own, so in a day or so without divine intervention my phone will become a paper weight, even more so cause I need to pay the bill and I am broke.

So I am just laughing....

WORD OF THE DAY....

2009-09-07T13:39:00.005-04:00

OBSTINATE: Latin obstinatus, past participle of obstinare to be resolved, from ob- in the way + -stinare. Perversely adhering to an opinion, purpose, or course in spite of reason, arguments, or persuasion.

Right now, I am waiting for other family to arrive a little later for a labor day picnic at my parents home. Although I have bowed out of participating in the festivities other than eating and socializing because I am maintaining my mood after the slight remark my sister made on facebook, I'm waiting in the family room listening to the last minute preparations, cleaning and putting away of the everyday living odds and ends. Usually, I am all for a party, and whipping up some great food for all to enjoy. I love to share and be around kin, usually, but I am still nursing the wounds my immediate family has inflicted on me recently and since they are hosting the event it drags my mood down. My mother is not the type of hostess I am or desire to be, and while it'll be very casual family bbq, she'll hollar at every rumble of little feet she is not accustomed to hearing during the week and hoard the best dishes for herself. I know the pattern....

I know more than one person will be disappointed in the lack of fresh and zesty pasta salad, or a great dessert that I make with love of everyone's enjoyment. But love is in short supply this week, and until I can find some knee time, this is what I am working with. I could feign my low cash flow as another excuse, but I am certain someone would 've put out some money for me to get the job done. I am also generally the grill master for this location and am just having to make them aware that I self abdicated from that job as well, and could invoke my no grilling over freshly washed hair rule, but lets just be honest.

I just don't want to do it for you this time.

They have bent me over in my kindness and patience too much. I know there is something in the Word about 'be not weary in well doing' and pressing on despite discouragement, etc...but I need more of a the Lord will conquer my enemies and right the wrongs message this week...

My ears perk to the exchange between my father, mother, and younger sister on how best to load sodas into a cooler so the ice doesn't melt too fast or something. I dunno, who cares, but the exchange is so typical of them, rather, any exchange that includes my parents, especially my father who is the inspiration for the word of the day. Now, aside from providing a location and a gas grill my parents aren't doing much else, to my knowledge - again I bowed out of relevant participation. So my youngest sister (not the offending younger sister) comes thru with a bag of ice and 12pks it sounded like. As she and my mother begin filling a cooler I can imagine as I am hearing my father coming to observe or better delegate the scene. Being a man in a house that was full of weak women he knows best, right?? So he interrupts their work to show and tell them the best way to fill a bucket/cooler. Really both my parents suffer from you are not doing it right (as I would do it or want you to do it), disease to which my cure is then do it yourself... The exchange sounds like it gets heated as water and ice are being spilled to the kitchen floor because too many hands are in the way. The picture in my head is my mother in a rolling kitchen chair cause she is lazy from weight and laziness in general, my father on one knee down close to the bucket cause he has taken over, my sister who was probably bent over in the bucket standing to the side because now there is no room for her to work. A voice raises, my mother, basically telling my father there is more than one way to do something i.e. there is more than your way of doing things. He conceeds that you (and everyone else) will be very happy if you do it my way.
You're filling a bucket with ice, not scripting world peace.

But all are major issues for my father. Anticipation of these regular discussions are part of the crux of my dismay in this post. He is never too right and you are never too wrong, he has no couthe and no emotional sensors/ reads no conversational cues or something that maybe he should back off. Sometimes like what men accuse women of, pushing those buttons in a man by talking and talking until they black out, go off, steal the woman in the jaw, and come to handcuffed in the back of a cruiser. That is how a discussion with him can go. I generally call him belligerent, because its like he wants to take you there, but obstinate is less aggressive and more the day to day temperment. He talks and talks and talks like he is imparting a revelation from God himself, because what he is saying is at least that important to himself. I can see where my younger sister got the habit as a child of coming into a room where the silence is golden and having something frivolous she wanted to tell, or maybe just wanting conversation. I could say to her, I'm not interested but then she would talk into the air and since I had no flaps over my ears I am going to hear it. Pissed me off. He does the same thing, he does it as you come in the door, he'll do it as you are leaving. He works 10 hour days as a sales manager, I would think he'd be talked out but NO!!!
TRIVIAL stuff like the fridge door that he should probably stop being cheap and replace the gasket on, was left ajar. Well, for those of house coming from a residence where the fridge door shut completely in one light swing, double checking is not necessary and takes a while to remember to do. But since I have not learned yet or keep doing it, or maybe someone else did but I who have not touched the fridge am in the room when he comes by and notices, or more accurately looks for something wrong and out of place so he can start a discussion, will toss into the air "the fridge is open again."
I haven't the strength to say "it wasn't me" plus that will just open another door...
I could say more, but its about party time and I've not combed my hair
Later I'll give a critique of my mothers hostessing, I am prepared for all disappointment, I am no longer embarassed, it is what it is...

What I miss most....

2009-09-04T22:36:00.002-04:00

Its the beginning of fall
and everything is on sale
and I can't afford a thing
Its surprising to see how I've managed to go thru the last couple of seasons and months. How little you can get by with.
But its one thing to ask yourself, can I live without this? An revisit the issue later
Than to know you absolutely can not have it, this time or the next
There are some sandals I had covet and adored, now marked down to reasonable price
But reasonable is still to high for me....
A couple outfits I know I would be sharp in, unattainable
And now, we head into the most wonderful time of the year, Autumn, and I need new boots, and could do with some other updates. Really I need to get into my storage facility and get some clothes, but I packed them in their wrong so I have to get passed some boxes and furniture first to get at the rest of my wardrobe.
So right now, its really know fun receiving all these catalogs, and emails about sales and an extra % off. I don't even bother to go to the stores anymore but seeing the fall items in magazines is depressing.
This time last year I spent $500+ to fly home labor day weekend for a family gathering. It included a car rental, but I remember thinking all this for a picnic, and how the following weekend the same package was in the $200s and I really could've waited to come home. I had actually just been home at the end of July, and a layover from 4th of July in Detroit.
But such was my mind then.
But this year, I am so over these people. If I knew then what I know now...

And that is not the worst part...

2009-08-15T04:40:00.011-04:00

hmmmm...
Just been mulling over my sisters response to my recent facebook post. I want to say, anything else you want to passive aggressively get off your chest? Is unemployment making me hypersensitive or are people really in a way of kicking you when you are down these days? Maybe I have too much time to think and rethink about all the comments people make.
I just want to see how all these people act when they are in a negative situation, and who are they going to call, and what they anticipate or expect someone to do for them that doesn't turn out right.

EVERYDAY EVERYDAY EVERYDAY
I get some smart remark, or negative comment about one thing or another and it is only by the grace of God no throats have been slit or food poisoned. Some are little jabs people think they can sneak in, under the guise of encouragement or constructive criticism - I think I have spoken on that before. Other people are not as subtle and do not claim, or want to attempt to be. They feel it is their right and obligation to state the "obvious" as it appears to them, based on their life experience, but not necessarilt the truth, conventional wisdom or common knowledge. Still others exagerate or flat out lie to make a point valid or to appear right.

As soon as their mouth is open, I start the count down...wait for it...wait for it... (like just moments ago)
And that is not the worse part...
ALL OF THEM ARE KIN
If I have ever been guilty of this, LORD FORGIVE ME!
I know I spoke on my 2 cousins a couple weeks ago, and the situation has since expired, and the family has moved back into their home and either FEMA or insurance(though not likely) will help them upgrade their homestead. But as I had commented, it is amazing how time changes our POV and perspective.

I'm thinking, is it really hard for you to help someone because of the economy and you're concerned you might need or want to be reciprocated on your terms should you find yourself in the same situation?

Is it me?

if someone else was in need there would be no problem or questions, but since its me, miss educated and proper with no bastard kids or other visible obligations you are a little unnerved? Single able bodied people are hard to make an argument for, but anybody really, I am of the teach a man to fish...school. But you still have to fill their belly so they can get some work done, yanno.

The other thing that jars me right now, is dealing with my debt once I am working again. I know Barack is trying to do somethings in that area, but these companies have their quotas and their scripts. I let them say their 10 minute spiel and then go on, talk to ya next week, peace....

But it is disconcerting to get behind. But I've been running thru my mind how long it'll take to get caught up, who to pay first, how long I'll have to be on a strict budget, will I get to participate in/ attend some things I really look forward to do each year. Yanno I had to go to Tampa in July, the weather was marginal the company lacking, but just to be out of the city and state again, glorious.

But I'm 30, I guess I could be 40 or 50, but obviously this was not my plan, as maginal as it was. To be restarting, rebuilding. How much longer will it be before I own my own home, or invest in franchises? I'd say its unfair but, I know there is no such thing as fair in the earth.

laugh to keep from crying

2009-08-15T01:37:00.002-04:00

So I got back late Thursay nite from a location visit and interview for a new job. I missed my original flight home because my interviewer decided he wanted me to go pee in a cup before I left.
So that's a good sign, right? Cause flights, hotels, rental cars, expenses, and pre-employment drug screenings are not cheap...especially when you reschedule the flight and return the rental late.
The trip was kind of hodge podge and last minute, and too funny. We were looking for flights Monday over the phone. I take it he doesn't do much business travel or something cause I was tryna tell him no, you don't need their rental insurance statistically and it should be covered by company travel, credit card..but you should prob prepay for gas in case running late, as I ended up being.
There was no written itinerary or plan for my visit when I got there. My tentative boss is a brotha, and probably 15 years older but doesn't really look it which thru me off at first impression. But not that the waitress when we stopped for a late lunch offered us a special where we could share an appetizer and dessert.
I looked at her like, are you serious? We together but we ain't together.
We spent a bit of time talking over lunch, so when we reach our destination the business day was over so he left me at the hotel to explore the community.
The next day, we spoke part of the morning, then I talked to the 2nd, 3rd in command people, they were nice, got their cards. Just as I was plotting which single relative to bring up in casual convo, I noticed family photos, saw the ring, then the 20yr service awards on the wall. Oh well...
And when I should've been heading to the car for the airport, he decides he wants me to sign a background release and run me by the spot to go pee in the cup. Uh Huh...
I am debating, I get a good vibe, the title is lofty and the responsibilities doable, but the $$$ ain't where I'd like it to be, or the location, or having to wear blouses with the company logo - you call it branding, I call it stoopid.
Not that I am new to moving to towns I've never heard of or considered, but I wonder am I selling myself short. Where are the mid size city opportunities til I can get the skills to make the money to live where I want?? Every other recruiter, economist, consultant is saying take what you can get and hold on, and I am trying to look at the long term opportunities that could arise from this position
Then I've been curt with another recruiter in emails, because I distinctly remember getting a thanx but no thanx from a colleague regarding the same position, and told her as such. So I guessed they were desperately revisiting candidates with related experience, and they sent me the salary range, relo package info, and an application off top. I think they fiscal year is beginning soon and they really need to fill the position. Sometimes, I get the idea some companies are trying to find minority applicants that they will not even really consider but just to have on the books to say we're tryna find black folk, see. I quickly answered a major question for the recruiter - No, I don't have this specific experience, but everything around it. A phone screen/interview is no longer necessary. Didn't want to do it anyway, but it was in a city where I knew I could get a McAllister sweet tea a stones throw away.

Today I also woman'd up enough to address some money issues. If Obama can do something about my student loans like he is working this credit crisis, I would gladly rescind my libertarian vote from November. The money revelation makes the job opportunity look a little better, cause I'd hate to be in a job I hate just for the money, but I can't take a job I'd love that'll keep me in the poor house. Though for the right money - those 6 figures I spoke of in January, I just might get over it.
But I am ready to buckle down, I am going to start the total money makeover and pay everything off - sallie mae cause she is a beast. I want to have that in order so I can buy a home before Mr. Right enters the picture, I just feel like that is something I want to accomplish by myself. Even if its not the dream deluxe 5br 3.5 bath with daylight walkout basement, breezeway to 3 car garage, deck, patio, landscaped back yard with vegetable garden, gourmet kitchen, etc....If its just the 2br 2bath townhouse or semi detached, I want it.

Curve Ball

2009-08-10T11:19:00.003-04:00

I don't like it, not one bit
Its frustrating, very frustrating
But I might just try it, not because I have no other options per se, but so I can have better options down the line.
Did I set my expectations too high? Perhaps they are setting them too low.
Am I willing to do what I say I want to??

Where is the love....

2009-08-09T23:32:00.008-04:00

I feel like I am holding my breathe waiting for the dam to break, or help to arrive. Originally , I was gonna call this post Breathe, but I felt it necessary to talk about a little bit more than just me...

First, I got what sounded to me like an ultimatum today on my way out the door for service, and I am trying not to be offended because its their perogative but I am just like, why are people like this to me? Maybe this person in particular, maybe its me, we just don't get along or can't get along under these circumstances. I am just like, Lord, you have to get me away from here, if I have not learned what I need to, help me, but are you working on this other person too???? Don't look like it, but Jesus said the whole need no physician, so as long as everything is hunky dorry with them they remain in the same attitude, even if it is offensive to others.

So I am patiently waiting for my change to come, I see it over the horizon but I'm afraid some decisions I've made might hinder me so I am asking the Lord to make a way in my favor.

But, I have asked for weeks, Lord, what happened to my love? Before I left for my job last year I always enjoyed entertaining and hanging with my peeps. It was quite frustrating to move and not have your locale considered for weekend roadtrips or family vacations, but those are the breaks sometimes. Now to come back and not have my own space to work with is very frustrating. And the whole atmosphere has changed, is it just the economy or is that just the tangible, temporal sign of a shift in the world as a whole. He that hath an ear to hear....

What a change the last year and a half has made, and I see the same lack of love or quick frustration in other people who to me could seem to show a little more compassion, but yanno its always how soon we forget... I guess when the going gets tough, as they say, is when you really know where you are with other people.

For example, last week, I awakened Tuesday to the sound of the rain, a hard steady rain that meant I could spend most of the day in bed instead of quasi beating the pavement. While I dozed comfy and warm in my surburban coul de sac, other parts of the city were flooding. I watch very little local news, so when I did get in my car and hear I was like it flooded where? How? I don't understand water and drains and sea level and crests, etc.... but much of the downtown areas was under at least a foot of water, some up to 5-6ft.

So my cousins duplex was flooded (I hope they had insurance) so she, her husband and 2 kids opted to stay with her single older sister and her teen son in their 2bd room apt. I was bored friday evening and stopped by the apt, surprised. The clothes they were able to salvage where is stacks in the living room, the dinette area was confiscated by the husband's computer and research documents. I generally keep my visits to the common area of the apt, so I wondered about sleeping arrangements.

There are 5 sisters total in this family section: the eldest #1 owns a home w/her husband & son, far as I know suffered no water damage so wondering why they could not go there

#2 has a husband, infant, and todler, but I know she is presniggety and she'd break down like Vanessa Bell Calloway in Stompin at the Savoy with all the folks in their 2br apt for too long.

Its the middle sister #3 and her son who are hosting the #4 sister and her family. Sister #3 is still single and currently unemployed since layoff in December.

youngest sister #5 and her husband have a large townhouse in an income based housing. They have the bedroom space, though they'd probably have to use an inflatable bed for the adults but #4-5's young kids are almost daily together playing in the summer since both sisters are currently stay at home moms.

And lets not forget their parents house, though its my understanding my uncle has converted the 2 "bedrooms" the 5 girls shared growing up into his own spaces for use. And then the extended family, my parents have 3 empty bedrooms, other aunts and uncles with large empty nests. But then they may not know either, which is another issue/peeve of mine, people wanting to know all the business, got a 100 suggestions but no action, then talk behind your back cause you don't take your advice. I know some of it is just that our mothers/aunts wanted us to do/live better than they did, make better choices, but sometimes you'd just rather not deal with them.

So how did this family of 4 end up with a single mother? Even if this is to be a short term crisis, there seem to be other familial options more comfortable, spacewise anyway. Well here is my hypothesis:

#1 issue, another grown man in the house. You know how men are, if 2 women can't get along, 2 men are watching each other like hawks cause how you run your household ain't how I run mine, etc...comparing things, its ok for short visits- game or movie nights, holiday parties, but to be confronted with his plasma, or his Wii, or his kids this, the wifes that everyday for a while is immasculating I guess... So at his single sister in law's house he is the big Y chromosome, though all the children are male.

#2 another grown woman in the house. I mean especially with the kids, you can't get your kids something without her kids wanting, etc...with the single sister her son is a teen and will not really be interested in what a toddler and 6 yr old want. Plus #3 won't jugde or criticize how the other family interacts or their plans for reclaiming their duplex.

But Sunday after church, all the kin was trying to decide what to do for dinner, I had other plans for my afternoon, but I heard #4 who is essentially homeless mention to her mother, she'd like to go but she didn't know she'd have to take care of #3 and her son. Wow, I thought, what a thing to say when she allows you to stay under her roof while your home dries out. I can remember just 5-6 years ago the tables being reversed...

I can remember the economy being waaaaay better but #4 and her husband being unemployed, they could get food stamps and aid, where with the number of people in need now, #3 can't. #4 was not working, because I guess she and her hubby wanted a traditional man as the bread winner marriage, but they had just 1 son who was young, and I never comprehended why she didn't say "boo, we are all tired of bologne, I'm going to get some bacon and still fry and cook it up til you find what you want!" Her hubby, a minister is very cerebral, so manual labor, please...Did I mention he is ex military and 16 years older? #4 was firmly in her 20s, but he was 40s. Everyone was like are you sure, we know men are scarce, but yanno you're still young. I like him, he is very knowledgable but during that period, which from his own admission was like 18 months of underemployment, I was like, what in the world...why is he not taking care of my cousin and her son. But that was his wife and son, and how they chose to live.

I remember #4 calling me, fresh out of undergrad working my 2 PT entry jobs, and another internship, asking about positions at my TV station in his area of expertise, computers, for her hubby. I recall her sounding kinda sad, like one more thing they don't need going wrong, there was a frantic desperation in her voice, and I thought, why was he not asking, but I kind of got the 20s girl to 40s man, kinda a gut buster. So I directed her to have him talk to a man we knew who was an engineer at the station. Both men are ex military, close in age, plus his wife didn't work either raising their 4 children but her hubby is an engineer. They had moved twice for his jobs over the years before settling back home. I also told #4 to have him try the cable system, they usually need techs for customers. And that is actually where he ended up, doing support/help desk until a couple of years ago he finally got on at the station.

Now, I can understand, when your young kids eat free or discount paying for grown folks is a pocket adjustment. But I recall #3 hauling #4 and her kids too and fro not asking for gas money she did not have, and her kid was young enough to eat free but they paid for you. #4 still does not work full-time, I guess so she can be a housewife, save on daycare til both kids are in school, so she watches another relatives children during the day, then also directs local choirs for pay, which relates to her music major when she was in college-but had not finished degree. She also can braid, so she probably has comfortable pocket money rolling in so her husband can save and 401k his comfortable IT position. But all this industry is quite recent. When her husband began working she was still trying a lot of work from home schemes, she never got connected with the legit virtual work deals. #4 picked up watching the kids after her 2nd son was born and #5 "kicked out" the kids she was watching so she could finish school and go to work. Directing choirs has also only been in the last year, and its great cause #4 is out an about, using her God given skills, talent, and education (degree incomplete), meeting movers and shakers. So maybe that has her head sprung nowadays. Confidence is cool but arrogance is ugly.

The Bible says the poor will be with us always, and some of us will just have some poor periods where we have to depend on the charity of others. Now #4 is homeless, with an able bodied husband, and income, #3 has a dry roof over her head (thus far), still single with no job or car (the clunker she bought with tax return is a lemon). Why can't they just work it out? You came into her house knowing her situation, and she yours. Its like, you'd help but this is not the economy to help in. There are some times, situations, periods where you have to give not expecting anything in return or to ever be paid back. You never know when the tables are gonna turn. I know I have had a problem with life not evening out and balancing so I don't feel used or use anyone, but sometimes you just have to do. You can't keep score on everything, but it always seems like everyone else is and they have selective memory of their own time of need. Its definitely that crabs in a barrel issue, which is probably part of the reason I am seeking to move away again. I love my family, but their creativity in solving problems and self sufficiency is dampened when they are too close to the network. They get lazy. That goes for me as well, had I not returned home immediately upon leaving my job things would be different.

This is just one of those things that caught my ears and my mind started clicking, and I had to talk about it somewhere.

Get Ready, Get Ready,Get Ready!!!

2009-08-05T01:18:00.002-04:00

So, they tell me when things hit rock bottom that is when life starts to pick up. Or maybe it just looks that way because, you have hit rock bottom. I dunno, the last couple of weeks since returning from my Tampa reprieve have felt that way. I have been driven to the cliffs of insanity, and forced to look over the edge. But now, by the grace of God, I am starting to plan for the upswing - all the things that need to be done and that I want to do.

This has been a very difficult road to be on, and I know it could be worse however I am not sure how worse could hurt me anymore. It would just be one more thing I'd have no control over.

But now I am ready to do better and be better, still try to scratch some things off my to do list this year. I plan on making some much needed changes, especially to my personal network. And I am searching my heart to make sure that I am not doing it out of spite, anger, resentment, but to protect me from the fact that they are not changing nor want to be better. Because everyone, despite what they may believe about themselves, can be better. And I don't want them hindering me.

So, as the preachers say GET READY! GET READY! GET READY!!

I am.

DRIVES ME CRAZY

2009-07-29T01:11:00.005-04:00

I remeber about 8-9 years ago a friend was applying for a job with the local newspaper as a proof reader or something. She was an English major, so it seemed like a relative path to take. But her resume had went out weeks ago and she hadn't heard a peep from the paper, so she asked me to look at her resume and letter to see what maybe she could do better, and advise her whether to call and follow-up, see if they were still hiring.
So I look at her cover letter and immediately know they are not thinking about her.
Now I was still trying to eek out a degree, but she had graduated cum laude, and had a baby, so academically and personally she was ahead of me (though with an MIA baby daddy, not so much), but professional wise I had more work experience and decorum under my belt. But we've essentially been living in this town for the last 5 years, and maybe cause I was a COMM major I knew better, but I just thought "E-GADS Girl!!!" at least get the companies name right!
What should've been Herald-Leader was Herold Leader or Harold-Leader. And for some reason I knew it was more than just a missed word on the spell check, yanno a synonym. She truly thought that was how it was spelled, especially when I said
You sent this exact letter...to the Herald Leader (putting emphasis on my pronounciation because Herald, Harold, and Herold are different - especially for someone like me taking 3 semesters of latin linguistics)
Yes
The Lexington Herald Leader
Yeeeeaaah....what's wrong.... cause she knooooooowww it is not looking good
The HE-R-A-L-D Leader
Oh no!
Yeah, they tossed that one boo....
You think I should send another or call??
Not if you want to get laughed at...
I just remember her devastation
But not like I haven't done it myself, especially recently
especially on most cover letters I have composed for the LAST MONTH!!!
I am out done tonight folks.
Earlier today I saw a job I liked, started into my cover letter banc to compile the right phrases and information that will get me in the door for an interview, or at least a call. I try to cater the letter to each position, but especially when applying for similar positions and titles all thats really needed is to make sure I change names of the company. But if they do bullet requirement/responsibilities, I try to mirror that. But my opening and close are pretty much the same for everyone, especially if a phrase/sentences catches on me.
So as I was compiling the letter, pulling stanzas from here and there, when I got to the close I thought it needed an edit in message for this particular opportunity, and as I got to cutting the line I noticed typo. It read:

provide you and the wit h additional information

Now I've cut my closing from a letter I sent the day before, and that letter I compose from a letter sent before that...do you get where I am going here?!? The month of July is pretty much screwed, I am skurred to go back further.... Now a couple of people have not noticed my faux paux, but everybody else....who knows...

But somebody please hire me and put me out of my misery....

God laughs at those who make plans...

2009-07-28T16:08:00.003-04:00

I use to have some, if you go back to January.

But now its July, almost August. I guess they were not God's plan or this is part of his permissive will.

Its funny to everyone but me.

Do I need to make other plans?

Is it worth it?

These are questions I've had to ask myself and am still asking.

when it all falls down

2009-07-25T03:19:00.002-04:00

It is only getting worse
I guess I am going to have to break down and do some things that I never wanted to do.
I mean, what is my degree and thousands of dollars in debt for if I am only going to need more education to go into another field....
Do I have any regrets about the decision I made months ago?
Possibly, but I can't turn back the hands of time
All I can do is cut my eyes, ignore the critics and move on to the next...

Saga continues...

2009-07-20T21:34:00.003-04:00

Called Smokey Bones, cause I was eating the nachos too much and starting to loose my taste for them I cut them out the last 4 months.
They just changed their menu....today!!!
Off to Cheddars...

I'm still here....

2009-07-20T17:49:00.003-04:00

I had a couple of phone dialogues today, hoping one of them would result in me returning to the land of the working. Especially since my unemployment claim has been under investigation for the last 5 weeks. Hmmmm..... Don't let them fool you, the government can get done what it wants to when it wants to

But this ain't one of them.

So midway thru my diatribe of why I am the best candidate for the position, my cell drops the call. Not once but twice.

I mean, who still has or is expected to have a landline these days? But the more important question, after all the random long convos I'll have with girlfriends, why does my LG EnV decide to crap out on me now, just now??

Should I be concerned she didn't call back the 2nd time, and I left her message?

Should I also be concerned that she called me Amber during the conversation, and that is not my christian name? On this second point, I am not really, except perhaps it shows I have not made the impression I hoped and should be concerned for the first part... Its not like my name is hard, but when there are so many other viable options and I tend to answer to the alternatives anyway (thats not helping I know).
I dunno, I sent an email expressing my chagrin, strongly asking not to be tossed to the side for my phone interview faux passe, and now I am skurrrrrrrrred to see the response. I will check it before the end of the nite.

So now that my week has begun and I am already thoroughly discouraged, I'll focus on other unfinished business.

Like my academic appeal.

Yes, is that rearing its ugly head again?

Since last I posted I had mailed it in to the main campus, then gotten a letter back asking for more detail....or agree to take the GRE/GMAT...for 3 elective hours. I met with the campus advisor as to how to proceed, and they said the appeals committee has been favorable of late and could possible convince them of my good standing, etc... and let me register for the fall. So I'm all pumped.
But then I get an email from the campus director asking whether I can get some sort of receipt or verification of my counseling, and I am thinking I knew it...
I can't get it from my pastor because his greedy family wants everyone to believe he is senile, so I contacted the marraige family therapist. She could not find where I had spoken to her as a client, because I had not I came in at her advice. But as a former teacher she also felt my letter could've been stronger and had some revision ideas.
Well over the last month we've seen each other 3-4 times and have not gotten together. I've been busy, she's been busy. Well I've not been that busy, I don't have a job...So as yet, I dunno where my education stands.
If this does not go my way, I might just chuck it and go to plan B.

I know a lot of people are re-evaluating their profession and jobs at this time.
Me, not so much. Even w/o the related MA I feel it a degredation to all my previous experience to change fields totally. Really, I have been so resistent because I know I am a great person and employee, and I want to do big things in this industry, make the money I want and get the lifestyle I am pursuing.
Nevertheless, after conversating with an older lady in the nursing field and how she decided on her line of work, I acknowledged her practicality in decision making. I mean, that is why I moved from production work to more business aspects of media years ago.
But I feel like now is the time I move up my midlife crisis plot to go into pharmaceuticals. Get my certification, then in another 5-7 years see if a company will pay for pharmacy school.
I dunno
Its not good to make plans on an empty stomach
later

How you like it

2009-07-10T01:53:00.003-04:00

Getting 29 + 20 days I am ever more so aware of how shortly 40 will be upon me.

Unfortunately, the world has impressed upon my generation that anything past 25 is down hill, as everyone tries to make 40 the new 30, etc...etc...

IT IS WHAT IT IS

Despite evidence to the contrary I still have this notion that one day the right man will come along and we will get married. I still have hope, I guess, so I still have this picture of the perfect wedding event, although it is morphing.

Its actually shrinking

From my previous post, there are some folks I could really just put to the left, and save my time, money and frustration on that day. I've witnessed many a planning session, heard the frustrations, and I love the shows were the kin folk are at odds about the blessed event.

But that will not be my wedding day.

So help me God, if I have to stand before the justice of the peace or Elvis dressed in Bob Mackie it will be how I like it!!!!!!!!!

I look back at the major events and turning points in my life and think this was not me or for me...

Prom, well missed junior prom because I did not budget to attend. My parents wanted to go to florida with the school band, which I would not have had a problem with except my mother was like make sure you room with your sister. OMG!!!! I am 16, my sis 14. that is a gulf of difference in HS. I have friends, she has friends. We LIVE together can we please not HAVE to room together!!!! So I was pissy returning home and not interested in prom. But senior year I was going but my mother hated on everything my dress, hair, not having a date and going alone. I let loose when I got there, but I just don't know. My mother and I were at odds since puberty, I think cause she creeped and crept in her day she thought I was up to something all the time.

My 18th birthday soiree at the expensive steak house - when I am an italian/mexican kind of girl. The guests included a very few of my better friends, then a host of adults like aunts/uncles, tentative young adult sunday school teacher. I can recall my mother lamenting not knowing how to contact other friends (cause you never wanted to know them - another issue) though my sister hunted for clues/phone numbers in my diary (which was bare cause I have a serious issue with putting my feelings in writing-my sister fills journals-I keep my stuff inside). They also excluded a great number of my cousins because they were turning out lil' bastards every year that were not allowed at the Terrace Restaurant, Bar, & Grille

College graduations - despite not having a degree to show for it, I did walk in a massive ceremony in St. Louis for grad school. The colleges of communications always get shafted on graduation times, first thing in the AM. Undergrad, their was a tornado warning for much of the state the night before which meant people had to get in the spirit to rise early and be on the road.

Not many had that spirit, and there I was on a muggy Saturday stepping in my 3inch BCBG pumps sinking in the mud and my flip do falling (knew I should've went with a chignon).

When I was young, our parents road us to these graduations, half sleep and things, but all I hear is my kids won't this, my kids that...This is the grace issue again, uh huh. I had wanted to invite co-workers and perhaps ask them to put out a spread for kin, but again, college of comm shafted to a ticketed event and not having any to spare I didn't invite them. The hot tent ended up overflowing anyway, people not respecting the ticket system so...

Grad school was better weather but further distance, I quick 4 hour jaunt to Missouri on a warm May day, but with my psychological state worsening, a paper due, and new job just begun I was not a happy camper. A couple of girlfriends did brave the road and head west for me, but missed the main AM communications commencement, and got to watch me sit during the large official address. And my aunt called while I was sitting thru commencement, she is good for that.

Going away party: I love all these folks, but they are part of the reason I was going away. When my mother said she was tryna plan a party for me, yeah I tensed up, and sighed, and could really say just do what ya want, cause none of my requests would be honoured for real. I hate to sound ungrateful but I am generally chronically disappointed. And the party was cool, but I generally was yet again. She is more concerned about who is going to come bearing gifts, or the reciprocity of the thing, instead of who would it make my heart glad to see.

Its too funny sometimes when my mother mentions a friend from HS who works under her as CNA or something. One time she had the audacity to ask me how come she and I lost contact-something to that affect. I said as tackfully as possible, she wasn't into school and dropped out, then got pregnant, I was invited to her baby shower but you didn't approve of me associating with those types of girls.... As nice and kind and good worker my mother always comments on her now a days, and how she asks about me.

Ironically though, all those broads do have bastard babies except maybe one acquired in HS or college days or soon after, but their issues are not mine.

So now at 30, once I get a great job and take back charge of my life,

I am going to do it according to God's will, my way

I can't stand for any more half baked gestures and selfish intentions

GRACE

2009-07-10T01:12:00.002-04:00

I have been thinking on this thing trying to understand.

Thank God for Max Lucado, who writes in a way that helps my imagination see when my heart is troubled. I started a book on the Beattitudes and was looking at a point on Grace.

There were times in my life I try to share a little bit of myself with other people - family and friends. Try to share what I think, the truth about our relationships and how I feel about them.

You find out how weak or strong a person is when you tell them the absolute truth, absolutely how you feel, how they come off to you - because your POV is different then what they believe they project.

I know persons who use all of their resources to manipulate people, but if they reaped what they sowed it would tear them down to nothing.

I've been watching for a very long time and I know their ways, and I let it go on.

I guess that is Grace.

Or a mercy...

But I was reading on this thing called Grace, because I unfortunately have these fits where I want pay back, make some things fair and level the ground. In the future I have purposely excluded people from events, situations because they have not, do not, will not have my back the way I need them to.

I need them to know and suffer the consequence of their actions, that what happened did not go unnoticed, I am taking notes, and waiting for the tide to turn.

But then I read Max Lucado

And I know its not right, I do read the Bible, but Max told me again.

Where would I be without God's Grace??

The right thing to do is to keep on treating them as if the offense did not occur

You treat them like it didn't but you don't ignore or negate it happens - Now that is where I get stuck. Especially for the folks that know they hurting you. A lady at my church will get up and say "just forgive me" off side, cause she know folks tryna get to heaven and she getting in the way.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord will deliver them out of them all....AMEN

Lord, I am afflicted...

Just another day...

2009-07-07T01:12:00.003-04:00

So, I am back from a much needed vacation in Tampa, FL.
I had to get out of this house
Out of this state
And the State of mind. There was sunshine everyday, but a lot of rain as well and my hair went thru some changes. Not the type of experience I had hoped for or expected but MUCH NEEDED AND RECEIVED nevertheless.
I THANK GOD FOR THE REPRIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nevertheless, getting back to reality bites.
I still need a job.
I am going on 8 months...sigh...
My girlfriend who was fired in March just accepted a position, thank goodness for her. She lives in a larger, more diverse market professionally, but works in a different field - retail- which can be up or down depending on the product and the performance of other industries in the market for their customers.
And I feel like I see the storm breaking for me, but its very frustrating, very very frustrating. Very very very frustrating...I need another vacation.
I needed not to return here
If I had things to do differently, I wouldn't have ran back home so fast
No one ever expects their lives to take these sort of turns, but once I can get myself back in the black, I am going to start a "I ain't never going back to Fresno" Fund like Toni Childs Garrett, cause this is for the birds.
No, I would not even put the innocent birds thru this.
That's me, I hate the situation but would not put it on anyone else.
I have been asking God or quasi meditating on not wanting so much, or to want something different. To give me the strength and courage to move in the direction I need and or want to go.
I am a complainer, not orally, you'll never hear me say much of anything, which frustrates people all the time
But as I type and revisit points and past posts my disappointments are acute.
I have been here before, I know, I know, I know things will get better
The days won't always be like this for me...

Starts back at 1

2009-06-20T23:48:00.000-04:00

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

I need to pay better attention to things - REALLY! I've been over here stressing for days, upset about procrastinating in filling out paper work, sending proof of XYZ, and of course my lack of follow up skills. I have got to do better.
I WILL DO BETTER!
But I just got a little bit, a glimmer of hope on a dark situation that seemed hopeless or would not come to fruition like I wanted. I just got a little bit of relief, that maybe the outlook isn't so bleak. I'm saying to myself why didn't you figure this out a week ago, at least the beginning of this week so you could get things handled?!?!?! But I guess I would've squandered it, or taken it for granted. So, yeah me!

So I've crossed over

I am ....30....ssssshhhhhhhh. While everyday is a blessing, I am trying not to go into my tirade on how I am 30 and don't have, haven't done, can't get, didn't do, only got, shoulda coulda woulda...

Especially when we buried a relative today. He was only 47, a cousin I did not know, already living fast and hard before I came on the scene. I wanted to say, why is his ma waiting a full week to have the funeral-it is summer...but people are born and die everyday, your birthday is not special get over it!

And indeed its not really this year because with my economic situation I could not celebrate as I had planned, or received the recognition I'd hoped. So I was thoroughly blazhay about the whole thing...

Then mid-afternoon I got a text from a friend that her mother had passed the nite before or overnite. She had been battling breast cancer I believe, but I thought had been in remission. All the more reason though for me to thank God for tacking on one more day, year. Life is but a vapor and it is short.

So now that I should probably officially take a note at my biological clock, and all those other grown up issues, I am going to try and take things in stride. 30 just feels like 29, plus a couple of days...

What am I trying to do....

2009-06-18T17:06:00.004-04:00

A little over a week after the appeal letter went out, I got their response.
Basically, they want to me to prove I am academically fit to be reinstated. Take the GRE/GMAT, get written comments from the local administration or former instructors.
I am thinking, my transcript with 33 out of 36 hours completed with a 3.4GPA is not academically fit? Especially when all I have to take is an elective, look at the GPA for the required coursed, I know that is a 3.6 at least....
So, the local administrators think we can bypass the whole graduate testing issue, but now I need to provide evidence of the pastoral counseling I received...
What is that saying, "the biggest lie the devil ever perpetrated is convincing people he doesn't exist." Now three years later I have to prove what was happening to me, was happened. That I was incapacitated by a spiritual attack, that has resulted in some natural repercussions that I am asking the Lord to help me redeem. It is so frustrating!!!
At some point I would like for them to admit some wrong doing, especially regarding the grading issue. They got $2600 and I still have no diploma. That's ugly.

Not to mention as the no longer so big day approaches I am reflecting over the last 6 months, decisions I've made, or didn't make. This is not the way I anticipated spending the momentous occasion. I am trying not to feel jilted, because we know, things can always be worse, and I will tell you about that in a couple of days.....but wow, to sit and look at where I was this time last year, or the year before, and now...how easily things come tumbling down.
I need a reprieve.
Despite how long of a dry spell this is, I know from experience these things are only temporary and eventually I will push pass this point to where I always want to be.
That is my prayer and my hope.
Until then I am listening to Janelle Monae's admonition,
a simple song with simple instructions....

1 is the lonliest number...so here is another 1

2009-06-09T15:29:00.002-04:00

Not feeling very special today....
11 days to go... this is a down day, as oppose to an up day. It could be hormonal too ;)

Got a response back on my appeal --- they need more info, resume, letter from local campus that I have not visited in almost a year, blah, blah, blah....30 days so Imma get on it.
Tomorrow

Today and yesterday, I just need a vacation, a reality break. I know I've got some kin heading to VA Beach today. Hoped to be with them, but alas, I have to be under employed. Being landlocked does not help my mood.

I know the tide is changing and something good is just around the corner, but this is a very long walk to get there, sheeeeesh!

20 - the Score

2009-05-30T23:42:00.002-04:00

Not much went on today, just recoup from the nite before = Drama
So much has gone wrong over the last year and a half, good intentions foiled, bad intentions overwhelming.
But the way people seek to remedy it is not going to suffice. And then not everyone will be satisfied. Those that appear to put the least into something seem to be coming out on top, and they are so aggressive and vicious in their arguments.
If you're not in the know, it sounds just like vain babbling, I know
But I gotta say what I see somewhere
so now the score is like
3-0

21st Century

2009-05-29T17:59:00.004-04:00

I am working thru somethings.
Some feelings, some thoughts.
I am doing some things, but it doesn't seem like enuff, like its moving fast enuff.
And that is the frustrating part, the human frailty of the thing, because I heard a speaker say last nite that
when God says something it has already happened, even though it may not occur for years in our time.
Not being God, trying to wrap my mind around the concept that I need to consider the things I want and envision as already done, in their due time of course is really deep.
But a lifetime is just a blink of God's eye, there are only a few days left to get things poppin...
But its already done, right...
OK

23 Enigma

2009-05-28T01:11:00.002-04:00

My bachelors diploma came today :)
I was so excited to see that envelope and open it to the seal embossed verification of my 6 years (yes 6 yrs, which was the university average anyway) of undergraduate development.
I sighed gleefully, feeling the conclusion of the matter.
Not that it changes anything, of course, its just nice to have.
As I said, it took 6 years, I think I even did summer school 2 times, and as I look at a copy of my bloated transcript enclosed, and the excessive unnecessary credits, can't help but wish I had done some things different.
I remember seeing an article that started by asking, would you let a teen decide your future for you? But that is essentially what you are doing when a kid goes to college generally picking a major that will direct their career path, earning potential, and life style for part of their adult life.
We know that is not entirely true, as people make midlife career changes, or get swept into different directions and opportunities. But I can't just walk into a hospital and snap up a vacant MD position with a Telecommunications degree...Right now it seems I can't even snap up one of their administrative positions either.
Having this degree in hand was suppose to open doors, they told us. But I guess it depends on the tide of the world.
And of course I am wrestling with the 2nd degree, and getting closure there so that hopefully it can open new doors for me. Until then I keep pressing on...

24

2009-05-26T14:54:00.003-04:00

The Church of God in Christ, Inc Women's International Convention began yesterday, with 12/24hr prayer and a concert. However today is when they really start to get down to business with workshops and classes. I really expected to be there this year, but que sera. Thank God for the internet so I can catch sessions and services online.

Top 25...

2009-05-25T21:49:00.002-04:00

Today I was suppose to be at a picnic getting my grilled burger on. But I get a text before noon saying the event has been canceled, and I'm trying to figure what to do about 10lbs of pasta salad, a fridge full of condiments I don't eat (relish, mayo - yuck). Apparently my cousins basement had flooded so they would no longer be able to entertain. Apparently no one else wanted to pick up the slack, so a lot of us were left with enough of one food we were contributing to feed an army....

Then I get a text a couple hours later talking about "we're going to rafferty's." I hate rafferty's, so I have not been in a couple of years. Looks like they changed the menu over the years, like ruby tuesday - which I avoided as well until recently. I went, but did not eat opting to go with my old faithful stomp, McAllisters, who ironically, had taken my favorite spud off the menu, the Fajita Spud.
Not a good look McAllisters
I think I had to get a veggie spud and add chicken, some way I nickarigged it to get the flavor that I savor.
But I guess I am going to have to explore the menu from now on...

28 Days Later...

2009-05-22T13:16:00.002-04:00

Appeal letter in addressed envelope, on the way out the door...

Bachelor of Science, Telecommunications diploma is in the mail today,
Yeah Me!

This wall does not seem so tough when you tackle it brick by brick....

Project for tomorrow...... I might go get my brows done. Now compared to getting my academic life squared away that might seem trivial, but me and my brows are going thru some things. They are not full like some, so I'll use the pencil, but I really need the shaping before I go willy nilly coloring things in. Then again, I think my own eye play (waxing, trimming) might make it necessary to wait until they grow up again, then get professional help.

But I will definitely let you know what I come up with for tomorrow....

I Got 29 Problems But My Appeal Ain't 1...

2009-05-22T02:31:00.004-04:00

OK, 2 months later I am just now typing:

Regards,

Jaded Student who just wants to get this behind her and stomp on the devils head when I get my papers!!!!

To my reinstatement letter....yeah, been going thru some things - for the last 3 years almost! I am dropping this in the mail tomorrow, Lord willing. I feel like maybe I should name the people I was counseled by, one being my pastor the other an evangelist at my church who is a M.Ed in Family Counseling/Therapy (so she gave me a freebie). I was looking at other examples that talked about make sure your readers understand your emotions, but don't write emotionally, keep it professional. I hope I achieved that, I believe I have and just have to leave it in God's hands

I think my next letter will be to my undergrad school and ask can I PLEASE have a diploma since I paid those parking tickets ($45 cause I needed some transcripts) finally ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Yeah, I got loose ends....

Final Countdown

2009-05-21T01:00:00.003-04:00

What can happen in 30 days?
I'm curious to know because the last 6 months have flown by and I am in a place physically, locally, and mentally that I did not want to be.
So I am asking the Lord to give me strength and to make a way RIGHT NOW! Not a second or another minute, as Smokey Norful said, Not an hour or another day. But at this moment with my arms out stretched, I need you to make a way...
Here we go...

May Day MayDay

2009-05-12T17:05:00.002-04:00

Definitely a distress call...
I'll stop and tell ya everything I have been going thru shortly....

How it is....

2009-04-16T01:07:00.003-04:00

Though April showers May come your way,

They bring the flowers That bloom in May;

And if it's raining, Have no regrets;

Because, it isn't raining rain, you know, It's raining violets.

And when you see clouds Upon the hill,

You soon will see crowds Of daffodils;

So keep on looking for the bluebird,

And listening for his song,

Whenever April showers come along

Had Enuff??

2009-04-14T12:56:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting here tripping over some information relayed to me yesterday.

My girlfriend has been unemployed coming up on a month now, but her prospects are a little better than myself as she works in retail managment, and stores even in this economy, are still open and opening everywhere. And she lives in a larger city/market, and in 3 weeks is surpassing me in the number of interviews.

Makes me kinda wonder what I am doing wrong... But that is not the point of this discussion.

Apparently her live in boyfriend, a tenderoni about 6-7 years younger than herself has also been unemployed for a while as well, but recently started working at a fast food restaurant to supplement his unemployment. He also has retail management experience, and the people who hired him have been looking at him to fill more responsibility quickly.

Good man, you say? Yeah, yeah he stepped up when needed so bills could be paid and he could have money in his pocket.

But this brother, who is about 22 still has some growing up to do. And while I love my friend, the mind boggles at how she gets into these live in relationships with men. I do not condone "shacking." Get a roomate if you need to save money. Thats easier said than done cause I can't live with anybody after living alone these last 5 years. One of my other bestfriends and I were roomates a for a year, and that sadly ended with us living very separate lives and leaving little post its when we wanted to tell the other something....hmmmm...Maybe I will tell you about that another time...

Anyway, they've been living together about 2 years now, maybe longer and I've just known for 2 years, or this is the 2nd lease they are into from my knowledge having moved last year to save money from a larger townhouse when they were both 'balling.' But from convos with her, he has some issues with his kin, he has told her one thing and come to find out the truth from his mother or other kin and in just living with him day to day.

Getting to the point: She calls me Sunday evening or so but I'm fooling with Brotherman so I couldn't talk. When I call back she relays the details of the weekend. I must've been multislacking, so a lot of the minute details I can not recall but the gist is this: In the fit of an argument about picking him up from work on time, or something, he throws his cell phone at her, hitting her in the mouth and breaking her front tooth. So now she is walking around town looking like snaggle tooth.

I was just like did you whoop his tail??? You gonna disrespect a woman like that, I am going to take it to you like a man, no questions asked.

He needs to pay for it, I mean essentially that is assault so even if you need to press some charges to learn him a lesson if he act like he doesn't want to come off the $$$.

Now, I hate to see a young man who lets his childish temper get the best of him end up in the system...but wait, isn't that what Chris Brown did??

I am sooooo pissed for my friend, who is on the cusp of a new job, actually 2 strong offers. One that would pay her what she'd like to see but was not her ideal, the other less pay, more of a challenge, but she'd be able to write her own ticket into corporate position she is after long term. But in retail, and industry where appearance of the stores, merchandise, and representatives are everything, snaggle tooth management can be a problem. My friend went thru years of braces, as did I, as I recall, getting bands changed to match the seasons, to acquire her winning smile (tho, neither of us has not worn a retainer in years so the gap is back). But this knucklehead has in a moment inrrevocably altered her appearance. I think that is what makes me angriest, and probably her people who paid the $$$$$ for braces, and will have to help pay $1400 is the estimate now to get it repaired quickly as not to loose any time in the job hunt.

I don't know what to say to my friend except,

Had Enuff?

If everything else has not been enough, that would've been it for me, after I beat his tail.

Is it really worth it to save a little money, and be living in sin, and have your every move hawked cause he thinks you might be planning to creep on him? Some would argue these would be the same growing pains had in newlywed situations, but I beg to differ. In fact, after the discussion on Brotherman, Sunday night, I find it crazy how single men want the marital "rights" ( sex, loyalty, being the head) without giving the marital respect to women. Unfortunately a lot of sistas, my friend included, want to give it to them without the due respect. I think its just that we're (men & women) programmed to give and receive, but in our society marriage is not respected or it is too much of a big step to make, but people still want the benefits to give and receive.

I DUNNO.

I just thank God its not me, and I can learn from her experience, if she doesn't. Cause I am wondering, isnt little hot headed actions like this how domestic violence begins? I don't doubt my girlfriends ability to defend herself, and I have made the drive before when we were undergrads to help set stuff straight, but people have to be willing to nip things in the bud themselves.

For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me...

2009-04-10T01:05:00.001-04:00

...and that which I was afraid of is come unto me. Job 3:25

As I went back thru some of my recent posts, I noticed a pattern. Even in my day to day meanderings, especially being under employed these last weeks my mind has seem to linger on a couple of things, but the most pronounced is my singleness. And as you can read, I am working thru that and other issues day by day. I am about resolved to let things be as they may, and surrender this and other situations to God because of the manifold outcomes and scenarios, its all mind boggling. And like html, flash code, and advanced nuclear physics I don't even want to try and work this out. Confusion is tiring.

I've read all the books, articles, studies one person can absorb and I think I want to focus my energies and brain power elsewhere, besides finding the next great opportunity. Yeah sometimes its good fun conversation pieces. Focusing too much on it, especially in my leisure seems to build up cynism in me, especially when I encounter the happy, in love folk. Can I get a "Bah Humbug"?

This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four...

2009-04-01T01:36:00.005-04:00

March Madness

What a month that was...
It seems like right after I made my declaration to overcome the obstacles of completing my degree, I once again got caught up in my trials and tribulations. By the ides of March (Julius Caesar) I was thru. The job search still wasn't going well, I had to determine when I was going to finally move across states, without the assistance of a relocation crew. I was not looking forward to it at all. Not to mention it was almost tax time and I dreaded the outcome.
But, I managed to get the move done, thanx to my good friend - who had recently found herself in the same boat, but since she works in retail management and their are stores everywhere, I think she'll be back on the work bus before the end of this month.
I've gotten over some offenses to my person - emotionally and spiritually and look to the coming month with....more trepidation, honestly.
Its April
APRIL
Not the way I expected to be spending the months prior to the big 29.9999999999 which is bearing down upon me.
I just wonder how things are going to play out sometimes, where is my FAITH? Cause as I said, I've been down a dark road before where I could not see the light of day, only knowing that it was there.
Well, there it is.

I Appeal to the Highest Court...Part II

2009-03-04T14:44:00.003-05:00

Continued...

So from my testimony, when the Lord opened my eyes and healed my spirit, the summer term was about over. I was not too concerned because I knew they'd just drop me from the courses when I didn't appear after the 2nd session so others could register. And I had not paid so I was not out any money. Life went on, but then I decided OK, let me get my degree this calendar year, the devil is a liar, so I prepared to register for any ole' class cause all I need is an elective...

I have a financial hold.....OK, what is that about? Call up the university and they say I owe them $$$$ on these courses. I said I never attended the classes, the instructors will have attendence record, why are you trying to charge me I should've been withdrawn.NOW this is where these sneaky, sheisty administrations just irk me. Budgets get tighter and they try to steal money everyway they can and not produce or offer anything. Admin lady tells me I am an adult and it is up to me to withdraw by deadline...Yes she did! My ghetto almost came out, Jesus sho saved her life cause I wanted to say some things...But I tried to explain to her my understanding had always been students are dropped if they miss 2 sessions, per the Academic Bulletin. Yanno the one that is revised every year so that tricksy new rules and stipulations are added like, its now the student responsibility to drop a course by a certain date or they are responsible for a portion/full tuition. Yeah, it had been amended over the 2yrs it took me to walk across that commencement stafe. Now, from late July to October I had received letters, my grade from the spring course, register today notices and a bill which I ignored per the previous paragraph. So now the full situation was clear. That dirty devil in my way again!!!!

Defeated & not wanting to go into collections, I coughed up the green, fiscally depleted I would not be getting a degree that year. Having just started with my company, they would not pay either. Looking at myself and remembering the year's situation I just asked God to handle the situation and giver me strength...I settled into the details of work and life in general and decided to revisit my degree when I had calmed down and recouped.

I spent the first quarter of 2007 looking for a new job. Yeah I know, I had just been there 6-7 months but if you go to my early blogs I was not happy. Had I taken the other position, where could I be now? I consider that even today as I try to move over into that field. At the time, I needed my support system at home, the other position (which was not as lucrative initially but offering long term growth opportunity) was on the east coast where I still want to get to, for a company that just does not like my resumes ever since, I think. Both were great opportunities, but the one I chose was not fulfilling my need and wants by that time. But, I pushed my job search to the back burner in the 2nd quarter to devote my attention to a planning committee for a convention that was coming up in the summer. As soon as the convention was over, I was hot on the job trail. I also decided now might be a good time to try and finish the degree, so in the fall when I saw a class I liked I attempted to register again. I had another hold and did not understand why. I owed them no money. Perhaps because I had not been actively enrolled in over a year, who knows. Call up the University to find out what was wrong. I spoke to someone, and to them it was not financial issue. I also described the previous year's event how I had to pay for 2 classes I did not attend, and how I paid even though I wanted a withdrawal. She gives me the impression that something may have been handled incorrectly and I could possible get to finish my degree free essentially since I had paid for the 2 classes. Well that was something I wanted to hear, cause coming off a couple thousand dollars and having nothing in return hurt me to my heart! So first I had to talk to the registrar about the hold because it was academic.

The registrar tells me I have been dismissed from the University graduate program for poor academic performance. I am like on what?? I had a 3.4 all A's B's and the lone C in the class I struggled in because of my spiritual issue, and that only called for probation, 2 C's or a GPA lower than 3.0 would mean dismissal. She said I had 2 E's (or F's) for the 2 classes I never attended... I ask how is that possible when I never attended and had them withdrawn last year when I PAID FOR THEM AS WELL!!! She said I was not withdrawn because I had been given incompletes grades(I) so I could finish the courses over the period of 1 year, which expired in August 2007 and by then it was September because the class I wanted to take was in the Fall II term which started in October (5 term academic year). I never recall any letters regarding my academic status that year or prompting me to finish any requirements. I never noticed the I grades when I went to register online in Fall 2006, so here is what I think happened. When you owe money they don't report a grade cause you owe - they put in some code which means call the finance office asap, but when the transaction finished since I had no grade cause I NEVER WENT TO A CLASS, MET OR TALKED TO AN INSTRUCTOR (I did email the one new class for syllabus when I thought I could still pull myself together and go) they put in Incompletes. At the time though, I asked who gave me an incomplete because I did not request. Back in undergrad I requested and took and incomplete (Got a B when I know I was looking at a D the year before !), so I knew how it worked. Why would the instructors arbitrarily grant me Incompletes when they never met me or attended a session?? TO GET PAID!!!
I was cold, livid, unbelieving, distraught, PIIIIIISSSSSSED! What was really going on?!?!?! I have graduation photos, a cap, gown, and regalia colours of a Masters degree in Communications, and NO PAPERS!!! I was not only out $$$$, I had no chance to complete the degree, until I appealed my dismissal from the University. Perhaps if I insert the name right HERE, their PR will find it and offer me a tuition refund and reinstate me so I can complete my elective...

I just don't know though somedays, I feel like the victim of these gross injustices, but I know these are just trials of my faith, and they are what make me stronger. I don't want to negate my personal responsibility, as I was reminded by one of the administration reps I am an adult... But I know it is all tangible manifestations of what could not be accomplished in my soul! So I take it because none of the obstacles I have described over the last 2.5 years have hendered my professional, personal, or spiritual growth. I am still moving on and moving up, I just want to get more aggressive in pursuing the things that are already mine.

So, I am going to hook up the old printer tonight and get this baby printed, signed, sealed and delivered to the University HQ and the local campus administrators so they can be aware of how I feel. WHEN MY APPEAL IS ACCEPTED I will take the course online, it costs more but I don't want the drama, but I am also looking for the expense to complete my degree - tuition and books to be covered and not from my pockets. I WILL NOT PAY A REINSTATEMENT FEE OR TAKE A GRE I am claiming all this, in Jesus name, and believing by faith.

Will I walk across the stage again?? I will keep you posted...

I Appeal to the Highest Court...Part I

2009-03-03T03:50:00.006-05:00

I am finally writing my appeal letter. Its a year over due, and I just said to myself sit down and do this thing. What are you waiting for? It must be that 29.99999999999 thing creeping up on me again, making me put in some work in areas I have been slacking, avoiding or just took a mental holiday from. Sunday nite I was reminded that you are an adult, a part of the human race, a community, and christendom so step up!! I stun, and look like I ball to the wall but there is some stuff I've put off long enough when I just have to get'er done!

Oh, what am I appealing? I am going to get re-instated to a graduate program so I can get my paper!!! (Yanno, I don't have that snazzy a Bachelors certificate on a wall cause I owed my undergrad $45 in parking tickets. I paid them last year cause I needed some transcrips, but I guess
I need to tell somebody yall owe me papers from 6yrs back!!!). I participated in commencement waaaaaaay back in 2006 having only 3 elective hours to finish, and I was enrolled in this swanky new marketing promotions class that summer, but something happened....

I believe in God (that's Father, Son, and Holy Ghost). And for you Christian-lites out there who focus on the positive side of the Gospel, I believe in the devil too. Say what you want to, there is an evil spirit in the earth that seeks to destroy you - God's chosen, utterly and completely, mercilessly. I tell folks you may not believe in them, but they believe in you! But God is greater!!!
About the time I was graduating, starting a new job and just getting ready to enjoy my adult life I came under spiritual attack. I was so distraught, yanno I've scene movies where when they getting ready to electrocute the inmate he is calling for his mama, I knew my mama could not help me here. And my weakened spirit transfered in to my professional and academic life. I went to work, church and back home, and that was it. I was on a business trip to NYC and could not enjoy it, did not want to be out in the city, but did not want to be alone in a hotel room with my thoughts. Graduation time was hard too because I had a paper to complete and could not concentrate. Had changed my travel plans last minute so I would not be alone. When the summer term began I just could not take it, I could not leave my home. Sometimes I tear up if I think on what the devil tried to steal from me, my very mind. But I thank God for his mercy and strength, and the three (3) lessons I learned from the experience....

1. I would say in my prayers the days will not always be like this, I knew one day I would be
looking back and wonder how I got over, as they say. Even now, having gotten pass this situation has helped me look beyond other situation where the current reality seems too much, and say one day I will be looking back on this!

2. My pride, self reliance, and yes, insecurities almost kept me from seeking help from the saints around me. My pastor, who I love, known all my life, but never really counseled with, I was desperate to talk to him, but there was some turmoil brewing unbeknownst at the time that kept him occupied. Late one evening, actually about 1-2am I called him because I could not settle myself. I was packing for a trip but then could not sleep and was considering not going cause I was so tortured. He said go and prayed for me, and I fell right off to sleep. From work, I would take my lunch break and go sit in a nearby church and ask God why? Yanno how we do. One time the pastor's wife was there in prayer, she had just successfully went thru chemo and had partial mastectomy. I had known about her illness but I was so in my mind I did not acknowledge. But she prayed for me before I went back to the office, and something she said I had just heard on the radio that very morning. I remember looking at her again and thinking, OK that's 2X Lord. I wish I could remember what was said but I guess it was just for that time. Reminiscing just reminded me that her cancer came back and she should be recovering at home right now, I think they had to take the other breast and I need to get in contact with her asap... Lastly, I was going to the ladies room at my church and ran into an evangelist and she said she'd been looking at me and she saw daggers or arrows pointing at my head like they were stabbing me. I was relieved because finally someone saw me, which goes back to me not asking for help right off, and had that spiritual discernment. Sometimes it hard to explain to people what you're going thru, but like some of us thought growing up the old mothers could almost see what you did last nite and whom with. But when she said she could see this w/o me telling her, I knew it was over because I would not be fighting this battle alone.
I know for you casual visitors all of this is spooky conjecture, but for the true believers I want to share how the hand of God moved in my life. This is where I understood the war going on in the spirit realm. This is my deep moment, get over it!
3. The most important lesson, even though I needed to understand the people around me are there to support me, and I them, that HE ultimately is the only one able to restore my soul. I prayed and cried out to the Lord in the midnight hour, and there were many midnights, but I was taught to press and be persistent. I would go in the Bible to where women cried out to the Lord, Samuel's mother, when she prayed for a child in the temple, and the widow seeking justice. And my peace actually came prior to having any consultation with my pastor or the evangelist. By the time I met with them I was talking in past tense about the situation and they just helped me understand and give me more spiritual insight.
In all this, I was humbled and elevated at the same time and I am truly grateful!!!!
To be continued...

I declare....

2009-02-23T21:02:00.002-05:00

I been sitting here all day waiting for 9pm to order some bbq nachos from smokey bones. The appetizer dish is half price after 9, but I call and they are closing early for system upgrade. He checks the kitchen but they've already shut down and put food away. Man, I was looking forward to that! The dude should've got my name and number and offered me some free nachos another day... oh well...

I left Facebook....

2009-02-23T19:02:00.005-05:00

Yes sirree....It just wasn't doing anything for me. This is why I don't have a myspace page either, I get BP flashbacks and all that debauchery and I want no part.

I didn't even make it a year, I joined sometime last March, had about 30 friends, more than half people I saw weekly anyway.

Was I suppose to be connecting with HS friends or college acquaintances? My bad, I had more important things going on like my own self absorbtion. And I guess using my blogger screen name instead of my christian name did not help either, but yanno, I'm looking for a job right now and I don't really want my future CEO knowing #14 of 25 things about me is I see dead people...

But I am just a week into this, and its hard to not check back and see what folks are up to, especially when my number ain't changed. And facebook hasn't totally obliterated my account, so I can just log back in like I never left. I'm going to make it though, its only been a week.... I only joined to see the photos of acquaintances' weddings and nappy headed offspring (it was in the water last year), to breeze in and out with anonymity. But now, and in total honesty, I don't need the daily reminder of everything I haven't accomplished yet. How do we begin to covet...we begin by coveting what we see everyday. Yeah, I thought I was over it by going back to Miss and things, but yanno you gotta take baby steps. It only takes one gold embossed wedding invite to trigger me....

Though there is one more babe due this week I need to check out...

Excuse me Miss....

2009-02-19T15:14:00.006-05:00

In the latter half of 2008 I had a change of heart regarding my title of choice, leaving the ambiguity of Ms. for the simplicity of Miss. It really was not a very hard thing to do, just adding a couple of letters, but I dropped that defensiveness about my relationship status. My being single at this present time is a part of God's plan, I have accomplished so much as Miss. and look forward to so much more on my own.

I'm not trying to make this a sign post, like 'hey, look at me, I'm still single...just a reminder...in case some of you were wondering...still single...' I'm just trying to get past all the expectations pressed upon me throughout life, as I became a young woman. Deliberate or not, the impression has been given that I would need to shake that moniker asap. Even today, the older women are plotting and planning trying to figure out who needs to be hooked up with me and vice versa. I'm concerned about who they manage to come up with, because I'm real funny about these folks who think they know me. Then introduce me to your lush of a son/brother/cousin with 3 baby mama's and half a job, but all he needs is a good saved woman, and I'm like you really don't know me, ma'am...

Where are my grandchildren, my mother says. I want to say, some women were grandmothers in their 30s, be glad you are at 50 and still free, but I don't. I guess I just have less of a problem with it, or just starting to accept the reality of the situation, statistics, and the height of my expectations and desires. And because of all that I am trusting in God on these matters cause he truly is the only one who can help me.

So that is Miss. Nike to you....

RATIONALE

2009-02-09T14:45:00.003-05:00

I had to have them
Been eyeing them since last season, but I think they zipped up then, these have hook n' eye closures....
They were on clearance
Plus an additional 40% off
An extra 15% for being an online customer
and 10% off for applying for credit, which I will immediately pay off
And I have acquired 2 cashmere and sequin sweaters for 20% of the original retail price
I hope I get to wear them before the spring
If I stay in Wisconsin I'll definitely get another 2.5 months to try and wear them
Oh well, they are mine now

Just Married...(not me)

2009-02-04T01:35:00.007-05:00

And they dated or courted for less than a year.
Is that how it goes? The old mothers say when a man knows what he wants, he doesn't wait around.

Sooooo, I guess the brothers in my network don't want nothing. Or want the wrong thing. I'm not trying to talk to any of them anyway. I read the book, sounds good but will it work for me?
Reading their story makes me a little excited, curious, and of course that little green eyed devil popped up a little too. I mean in 8 months they went from acquaintances, to phone buddies, boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged, and have been married since the New Year. If you are shacking with somebody right now and have been since the beginning of 2008, NOW might be the time to re-evaluate your situation!!! I doubt CoCo got the nookie until 2009 (Jan 1 hahahaha)

For me personally, the last couple of years has been an assault of marriages and re-marriages (I mean can I get 1 first?) Difficult surroundings since I call myself wanting to be a wedding planner as my 3rd job. My aunt finally married her 1st baby daddy, after 40yrs almost and all the drama her 1st hubby/2nd baby daddy put them thru. That was great, true love prevails! (Really my new uncle was a giggilo in his younger days, has more illegitimate kids than legitimate (1 to my knowledge)
Now its raining babies everywhere (and I mean will some of you chicks get married first??) I know this is just my season, its not about me but how I handle things, the journey. But I will honestly tell you I spent 2008 trying to avoid these things. I'll say it now cause I would not admit it then. But NO, I am not going to the bridal shower, bachelorette party, wedding, reception, after party, house warming AND NOW baby showers. I was conveniently out of the state for most of the festivities. Only for kin, and only at my leisure. My motto : There is no knowing what people expect, the question is what can you afford... I can not afford it mentally, and now I am fiscally strapped too. These other acquaintances, I'm trying to be happy for you. I guess that is why I am still single, just not a very sharing person under those circumstances. I feel like Carrie Bradshaw, in the episode where her shoes were stolen from a couples a party after they asked all guest to leave them at the door because of the kids, and then she had to contrive a way to get the hostess to replace her shoes by registering for it as a gift. Myself would have left my gift and went home, or took the gift back with me. But I will be.....29.99999999999 this year so is a registry in order to recoup all of the gifts I've bestowed?? I'm not that shallow, plus I know Im not obligated to anything (see my motto) and I embrace my freedom.
I hate to call what I feel jealousy or envy, and yet indifference is not a pleasant state either.
Call it misdirected frustration. And really you would not know unless I told you so anyway. You didn't really miss me, and you're still going your merry way.

So am I admitting all this because I am pining away for my chance to be hog-tied to John with a baby in tow? Not really, that is to say, the woman in me knows that is the way of the world, eventually I will succumb. But the ME in me is saying why do I have to compromise? Giving up some of the things I want to enjoy another persons company, outrageous. But I guess its like the lyrics to a couple of my favourite songs:
My mind fails to understand
What my heart tells me to do
And I'd give up all I have just to be with you
And that would do
I've always been taught to win
And I never thought I'd fall
Be at the mercy of a man,I've never been
Now I only want to be right where you are -Jessica Simpson

If being in love means waiting around
So you can dance with me
I am, I am
If being in love means follow the leader
Then this will have to be
I am, I am- Jonny Lang

I guess I should get ready to let some things go...

Ice Storm 2009

2009-01-29T22:22:00.003-05:00

Had I known the weather would be like this I would've stayed in Wisconsin. I need to go back anyway, to check on things, but mainly because my dumb butt left a large bottle of Mizani Thermasmooth serum in the closet and I need to be using that, yanno!! I believe my suitcases were full and yanno you gotta pay per pack now. I ought to drive it, but I don't wanna, but the $$$ is low for a last minute flight. Thank Goodness for Travelocity, Bill Me Later, and Daddy, who thinks I am moving back home. Get over it man, I'm just chillin. Literally now.

INAUGURATION DAY

2009-01-20T14:38:00.004-05:00

CONGRATULATIONS

BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA

44TH PRESIDENT

OF THE

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

1st African American President aka HNIC

In GOD We Trust!

TMI

2009-01-17T02:48:00.001-05:00

I'm tired of social networking, marketing, and all that other jazz.... What I mean is, I'm tired of these other sites trying to jump on the band wagon. Tired of having to fill out my life story on everything I join so that you can find advertisers who want to try and get my attention, and pay you for the web space. This is ironic I suppose because I work in advertising...
I was recently updating my Monster profile and noticed the profile update section had changed. Instead of just having my resume, salary requirements, and locations, they want me to add a 5-10yr career plan, details about my career, a self blog, a photo (cause people hire people. well invite me to an interview and you can see me!). I have linked in, you might get distracted from the fact you are looking for a job. I like it except there is soooo much info, questions, discussions to go thrubut someone is already acting stalker-ish off that after I recently posted a discussion about my job interests. We'll see how that rolls.
How about... in 5yrs I hope to no longer need the use of this service because I will be so well known for my work that the recruiters and offers come to me unsolicited and I can make my career moves as they interest me, not as direly needed.

2009, What I Want!

2009-01-08T21:21:00.002-05:00

I don't make resolutions, I have goals, but anything I accomplish is truly by the grace of God.
And he has been most gracious, in all things, I am truly thankful.
I don't ask for much, in my opinion, that is to say, I try to keep my prayers to the really important things: His everyday mercies, health, wealth, safety of my friends and family, world peace. Everything else I am putting in my work towards, and asking for his strength.
So as I was praying at the stroke of midnight of the New Year I asked for all those things again, and trust in Him to provide those needs.
But I'm going to take this time to talk about what I WANT, some are trivial, others I probably covet (Lord forgive me), others are just really, really, really, really interest me.
I don't like to bother the creator, sustainer and provider of all things with my frivolous desires, but sometime I'd like to talk about them. Plus the Bible says you have not because you ask not, so I guess I am getting up the faith to ask.

These are in no particular order, may be added to or taken away from and not just for 2009, but what I want in and for my life starting now!!!!

1. 20/20 vision. The grey, hazel lenses are cool, and all compliment me well, but I'd give them up for perfect clarity. Unfortunately I am not into the surgery tip, so I guess I need to increase my carrot in take
2. regular full spa days, so I can maintain my swag and mental health
3. long hair, to my clavicle so I can then cut it into the Asymmetric style I've wanted for years
4. A great job. I know that is a little vague but I'm interested in soooo much, where can I get all my interests (event production, marketing, promotions) rolled into one that will allow me a flexible schedule as long as I am producing measurable results, and pay high 5-6 figures?? In 2009 I am trying to make it happen, Yes I'm young and I'm trying to be satisfied breaking in and
I just don't want to be pigeon holed, or let other people to define me or the direction my career life takes. I need to be the boss! I'm pretty open to location as long as the job is fulfilling. I'm tired of requesting off or having to look at the team calendar to see what days I can take, getting the short end of the stick cause I'm the newby.
Where oh where is this enigma??
5. $0 balance on my student loans, credit cards, car loan, and any other debt I dare not disclose or don't know about. Yeah, I did it and I am actively paying, but should they be mysteriously wiped out overnite....Or get that great job....
6. A plot of Land. Hey, God ain't making anymore so you better get yours. I know the family owns pecan fields in MS, I want to get a track of something more exotic though. Not too much, and acre or so.
7. A House. It'd be helpful if I settled myself somewhere, I'd build it in my hometown but I don't want to stay here cause I don't think my great job is here or some of the other things I want. But nothing too extravagant 2500-3000sqft should do it, full walk out finished daylight basement which leads to a garden, 3-4 bedroom, mastersuite, large living room, state of the art kitchen with a large deck, dining room, office. I can see the floorplan in my head. I also have plans for a home with an atrium, or one with a loft depending on how my life rolls on (marriage and family or confirmed bacholorette-hood). The common areas would be large for entertaining, the bedrooms a nice size but since I don't like large furniture (dressers/armoires) everything would be stored in walk in full closet systems.
8. Lincoln Mark LT. Black with chrome, fully loaded, rims, that's my hood side
9. Full inauguration entertainment package. But you did not vote for Obama, you say. Don't mean I can't party up! I need a round trip flight, transportation, 4 star minimum hotel, and invites to some of the classy soirees going down. If you got the hook up holla at me!
10. Hawaiian vacation. I'm trying to plot that out for my birthday this year. I plan on going all alone, unless I have a ram in the bush...I just don't see taking any one with me because I want to enjoy it. Don't want to do what you want to or compromise. When I get ready to surf, sunbathe, or relax I wanna do it!
11. Everything: Man, Marriage, & Family. I'm saying this with a grain of salt, cause there are some days I could care less, and there are the other days... The happy matches in 2008 made my nerves bad. I needed the break from my familiar surroundings my relocation caused because had I been subjected to a bridal shower, bachelorette party, and the grand finale wedding ...oh but wait, now the upcoming baby showers and christenings/baptisms....and the 1st momentus birthday when I still have not chick nor child. Please don't be offended when I graciously pass on everything in favor of a long spa weekend or shopping spree.

Now, I don't pay attention to my biological clock, I will still be trying to pop one out at 45 if God's response is delayed, and quite frankly I am still trying to get my head around the mechanics of the whole child birthing process. Nevertheless, I guess this is not my season when it looks like everyone else is moving forward. Gotta remind myself looks are deceiving...and I get a full 8hrs rest almost every nite, sometimes more :)

My brothas, my brothas...the real Godly (God fearing, fear God like they do my .22, but they still won't act right when they think I am not looking) church going, & Christ proclaiming, full-time career with benefits, flexibilty and upward growth working, un-tattoo'd, no bastard kids, no legitimate kids (leary of widowers and divorcees), no sociopathic characteristics, likes to keep his head in a nice fade, education pursuing (college or otherwise), no gold sporting, at least 5'9 and 180-240lbs depending on height, your own clean teeth having, sexy smile wearing, daily bathing, conversation having, romantic, affectionate, classy, generous, faithful, kind hearted, laugh loving, saaaaaaanngin', doesn't mind that I snore a little, hand holding, 25-35yrs old gentlemen of african american, puerto rican, cuban, or brasilian descent (had to expand my repetoire) ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ME??? I AM TRYING TO BE FOUND!! On a good day anyway. Yeah, I am peeping for the afro-carribean brothers as well, I'd like an exotic last name to hyphenate on. I want black love, I want to be courted, the real deal holyfield. A husband with a mind for business and work, heart for family, that can fry up the bacon, throw a load of clothes in the wash, and change a diaper when he sees it needs to be done. That will peep me like, yep I'm tappin that -hahahaha, but intuitive to when now is not the time...Loves his mother, but is not a mamas boy and will not bring anything she did in her house into mine.
12. Trips to Brazil and Europe. I've got the passport papers, now I just need the funds to make these trips happen. I would fly to Brazil, but I want to take the QE2 to London. Why Brazil? Can't really say, just piques my interest, tryna learn portuguese this year, well last year too-hahaha, while everyone else is learning spanish. FYI Mexicans have no money, unless they are in the US they are not effecting the global economy like that. The good coffee, drugs, oil, victoria secret models are coming out of south america.

To be continued...

Get Your Hands Out My Pockets!

2009-01-05T21:58:00.004-05:00

Ravings of the cash strapped...
I'm thoroughly annoyed.
I'm in the process of shutting down every direct checking withdrawal account I have for payments to anyone. Credit cards, utilities, phone, student loans. Their activity is so aggregious, even though I (we) have set ourselves up for it.
It all started with the convenience of direct deposit, which kept the absent minded from losing their paycheck, then going to HR cursing and screaming for an emergency replacement so that our bills would not get backed up. Then some genious said, if you're giving them permission to put it in, give us permission to take it out when you say. We'll even give you a .001% discount. So we did, cause we like to save money and hate to write checks, or stand in line, or pray the mail is on time.
Now they are grabbing money every 1st of the month, even if we've already paid. Sometimes even if we no longer owe because of their error or cause we didn't opt out.
I said hey! I made this months payment in person already, can't you stop processing the auto pay set for tomorrow?!?!?!?!? This is today!
No
No??!?!
But we can refund you in 10-14 days
It only takes you one day to remove, in 10-14 days I'll be making another payment (which is exactly the logic for keeping my money)
I'll be glad when I get these fools paid off and be FREE!!!

Introducing....

2009-01-04T12:49:00.001-05:00

New Arrivals to my wonderful family
Kim-Mya Ashanti - November
Nayla Alexis - December
Andrew Lee -December
Nelani Marie - January

These are the times that try men's souls....

2008-12-29T23:00:00.002-05:00

Patricia Thornton Johnson

Rest In Peace

Aunt Pat

"Everything I Say Is Approved...."

2008-12-29T00:01:00.002-05:00

I'm really a monthly poster, but stuff keeps happening that I gotta talk about...

There is so much going on behind that quote I can not tell it all, but it has to do with being in a leadership position and always having your comments and actions 2nd guessed, especially in front of other people, because someone does not like your viewpoint or policies. Its about being polite enough to answer the question - even though you don't have to, yet cunning enough to make your own statement in how you respond so there is never a question again.
The thing is, I don't believe the person who made the statement meant to be a smart alex, but the person asking kind of needed to be shut down in the setting, and it tickled me.
And if I can't laugh, who can?

How Tacky

2008-12-27T00:20:00.003-05:00

From The Slate's Dear Prudence Column this week:

Dear Prudie,
My wife is a prominent businesswoman who is heavily involved in the arts. I am an anti-establishment lawyer. We were invited to a business/social dinner, along with a big-time Republican and his wife, at the home of a local artistic director and his partner. I am a longtime acquaintance of the other four people through my wife, and they all know I am a strong Barack Obama supporter. George W. Bush's rating as president became a topic, and I said, "He's so bad, he got a nigger elected president of the United States." Everyone seemed to think it was funny except my wife, who kicked me. A kick usually suffices, but she has continued to berate me for the past week. I maintain that everyone present was intelligent and highly educated and therefore understood that nigger was meant ironically. She says nigger should never be used in polite company. Polite company bores me. Did I cross the line?
—Doghouse Resident

Dear Doghouse,
If you were my husband, you wouldn't be in the doghouse—you would have been given back to the Humane Society. You say "a kick usually suffices," so I assume your wife is frequently embarrassed by these outbursts of yours designed to show your disdain for her "establishment" colleagues and friends. What I find to be a bore, and a boor, is someone who thinks he occupies the moral high ground because he behaves rudely. Your remark was so appalling that I think you should send everyone a note saying that in a misguided attempt at topical humor you made an offensive joke and you apologize for it. And if you drop the adolescent attitude of rebellion, you'll find decent qualities in the people your wife associates with, and they will be pleasantly surprised to find the same in you.
—Prudie

Just when we had them about trained to keep that word out of their mouths...
Expect more of this behavior for the next 4 years

I'm Gone

2008-11-23T23:06:00.001-05:00

Just like that....

I'm walking away....

2008-11-17T22:47:00.004-05:00

I submitted a resignation today. 11/17/08
I was escorted off of our client premises today. 11/18/08
Now what is that about? I mean, I knew management was coming to town for business meetings which is why they were pressing for a decision about whether I wanted to participate in 'employee development.' In my mental I say I could have played the game, I see the signs of the time, people being laid off and let go. You need to stay employed, the numbers are staggering.
But in my heart I was saying 'lets go, lets go, lets go!!!' I was undeterred, I knew I was not happy, now they knew it and either I had to change, in a way I feel I either could not, or would not (cause I am grown).
So when I reached the office on Tuesday morning they had already divvied up the paper work and items they could determine were company property, it was up to me to identify the rest.
Wow, I thought...and of course I am not telling you the whole story, but its like this: When people KNOW they are not doing right, they think everyone else is suspect. There is no honour amoung thieves, that is why they are thieves! Duh! So my abrupt exit was due to sabotage fears, which in this economy again are not unfounded, but again we are talking about me. Never one to blush it was a bit annoying though to have been up so early in the morning, yanno call me and say we're gonna go ahead shut down your operations here, come around about noon to pick out your things. So I could've had a morning, yanno.
Oh well, on to the next with a litte more thought and foresight, and this experience as a lesson.

My number ain't changed...

2008-09-23T21:56:00.002-04:00

Not in 5 years I believe.
I'm here, got a facebook page to check out when another alum gets married or has a kid, you can find me on linked in - get at me if you are hiring on the east coast. But I am avoiding myspace.
Why?
Reminds me of blackplanet, a community I left about 5 years ago as well. Just not edifying anymore, everything was sexual stimulated, and the mandatory advertising-sheesh. I seen the creator of BP at an NABJ convention one year. I know he wanted to get paid, but dang. Plus who has time? I have a job and working for another one, a home to take care of, and myself
And mostly, cause my number ain't changed.
I moved 600 miles from home, get emails on a regular basis but a call every blue moon. Your cell phone is on you at all times, I sleep with mine cause it is my morning alarm. You want to leave me 8 myspace messages but you couldn't call me so we can have this convo expeditiously??? That makes no sense. You want to text a whole convo with this nigga technology instead of dialing the digits??? makes no sense.
Now, I'll admit, I prob ain't called you either but in my defence, I got nothing else to say except my number ain't changed....

why is it easier to believe the bad....

2008-08-22T22:30:00.003-04:00

Hmmm....

It is soooo true. But I am not a glass half full type of person, however upon hearing the negative we automatically take it as gospel. I believe someone made this statement in regards to self esteem, people not being able to accept earnest compliments, praise or encouragement because of all the negative that has spit at them most of their life. Personally, I'll cosign on a compliment about me, and hopefully return you the favor. Despite all the negativity peers and parents try to throw on you, either to make themselves look/feel better or as "constructive criticism" under the auspices of motivating you to act, I've managed to wade thru their mess to the truth.
I give all thanks to God for that.
Yeah, some of the bad things can be the God honest truth, but we can't be afraid to let someone lift us up with their honest and deserving words or actions.
Don't you know who you are? I know who I am...A Blessed Child of God!

Exit Strategy

2008-06-09T21:36:00.003-04:00

Its so bad, but I am already trying to develop and exit strategy for the job I started a couple of months ago and I have a tentative date, unlike our current president....
Yes, I know at the time it was the answer to the previous job, and seemed to offer everything I wanted. But the key word is seemed, and no matter which way I look at it, I do not see my ideal position coming out of this company. It is almost impossible unless they start up some other divisions that they don't already have.
I have no problem breaking hearts, although I believe I was quite candid during our interview period about how I felt about certain aspects. But yanno, I never got anything in writing - I know I know...with every change I learn a little more, but then some things I forget to get covered. Its kinda like getting married and having to prepare that pre-nup, its just in case but you don't expect to have to use, but you want in place just in case.
This is not something I think about everyday, I am really trying to glean all I can, make valuable contributions, gain exposure, and put myself in a position to be considered for advancement. But recruiters are still calling/emailing and some of the things that are already getting monotonous, when they dangle opportunities I am all like ' I would sooooo like to be doing that...'
I am sipping on some sweet tea, thinking, what is wrong with me? why am I not going where I want to go?

I am still here, by the grace of God...

2008-05-03T20:53:00.003-04:00

90 days into my relocation.
I'm definitely not feeling the isolation, but it provides me opportunity to think about some things.
I could scream some days, but that is not rational. But the unknown unknowns are ultra frustrating. And the things I do know, or my over active imagination do not keep me the best of company.
I'm just rambling, and talking around the topic. I should be more straight forwarded. I'd rather be at home, or at least closer to home, so I could keep more control over some things. Things I really have no control over actually, so being home really would not help, and that is probably why its best I am here.
still babbling
I just miss home, thats basically it.

Closing Time....

2008-03-01T02:31:00.003-05:00

So the movers are gone, with my stuff, my ride, the Vue I affectionately call Pseudio. The would've packed the trash if I hadn't stopped them, man! I gotta get my mind right for the span of time and space that will be betwix me, my family, and all I've ever known.

Yes, it is hard, thank you. In my effort to show my independence I see the strength of my co-dependence. Mercy But with God's help, I can do all things. And if I can go and I can do anything, tho still working on trans-atlantic travel....want to go to Rome one day.

I think my mother is about to have a break down tho and I am not interested in entertaining her paranoid ramblings that'll stick in my head for the next couple weeks.
Get over it lady...
but get up there as soon as you can :)

This Moment....

2008-02-01T23:14:00.000-05:00

This moment is mine
I'm living inside
I grow with each step that I take
I'm loving my freedom
I'm rolling like thunder
I'm feeling my power
I'm spreading my wings and I fly
I light up the sky
This moment is mine....Chante Moore

This moment I am feeling lighter, freer, at peace. Looking forward to the opportunities ahead of me with my new position. I'm not fronting though, the mind wobbles at what has been presented to me, the possibilities. But I know it is all by the grace of God....
Where would I go, where would I be without the Lord?
In all my doubts and indecisions in life, the Lord has guided and seen me thru. Protected my life and those I love, and given me hope and a way out when I could not see. I have come this far by faith and looking to go to higher heights and deeper depths.
The greatest thing, in all my life, is loving you
The greatest thing, in all my life, is loving you
I want to love you Lord
I want to love you Lord
The greatest thing, in all my life, is loving you

I got a new job....

2008-01-23T23:04:00.000-05:00

I got a new job
I got a new job
with relocation and a hiring bonus
I got a new job
I got a new job

Happy New Year!!!
The Lord has really blessed me, given the topic of all my previous posts, the attitude adjustment worked, I was aggressive to the point of obnoxious, and my cup runneth over. People still calling about applications/resumes submitted weeks ago, and I've about signed all the new hire papers for my new job.
Which brings me to an issue: I am aware of my quasi-indecisiveness (can't even be sure about that-hahahah) when faced at times, with multiple options that all look pretty good. I want to keep talking to people and get the 411 on opportunities, even though I have about closed the deal.
Is that wrong? Am I a bad person? What is a girl to do?
Even though relocation has always been the goal, as the day nears I am more concerned at how much I will miss my people,
My monchichi, my michonio, my bebe, my chubbers (these are nicknames folks)
This is for real
but it is needful
I am afraid of what I am, what I am not, what I may be, and what I may not - Michelle Pfieffer

I hate moving....

COMMENTARY ON SINGLE PARENTS & DATING....

2007-06-13T23:12:00.000-04:00

This commentary is submitted in my "never to be humble opinion"
But it is just an opinion, nonetheless....

They are all around us. At your job, church, in your family. Single parents
Divorce, separation, expiration, desertion or "we were together, but we weren't together..."
Anyway you have a single man or woman with a child or children under their primary care

And, as it is only natural, they still desire a relationship with an adult of the opposite sex ( I can only speak on the natural, not the unnatural)
Nothing wrong with that
BUT, I cringed after reading the June issue of Essence. Would You Date One of These Guys? brothas of diverse situations finding it hard to find a good woman

" ...Others think that because my son is a priority in my life, they'll come in second. But when a man has a child, it's not necessarily the case that his woman has to take a backseat. She just has to be willing to share the front seat....".

Does anyone else not see the problem with this comment?
No, she's not in the backseat, but she has to share the front
Given the photo illustration accompanying his article his child is too young to even have his car-seat in the front, let alone be a sufficient co-pilot for the vehicle called life for his father. The law won't even allow you to hold the child in the front seat of a moving vehicle.

But on a serious note, that comment reflects this man's inability to maintain an appropriate parent - child relationship and that he is not prepared for a real adult, man-woman relationship.
More on that point later....

FRIENDS, HOW MANY OF US HAVE THEM?

2007-06-06T13:27:00.000-04:00

REALLY?

You ever been in a room full of people you know, and still felt alone?

This topic came to my mind because I was looking around myself, not literally, but looking around and wondering, where are my friends? I mean really?

The rhetorical answer to that, would be, well, who have you been a friend to?

I have family, a lot of family. Added at least one person thru birth or marriage for the last 5 years, but I am not sure any of them are my friends. Its a little deeper, stronger connection, yet still something missing....

I fancy myself as a very strong individual, though I am soft spoken and demure in presence. I know I have been leaned, and leaned, and leaned on for different things, to which I have obliged out of a desire to fulfill my christian duty, and simply having a heart for others. Yet, I am sore to find a trust worthy candidate to tell my troubles to. Nothing these days seems to be kept in confidence, and I have to check myself as well to see if I am guilty of leaking confidential information.

Why am I going here, why am I questioning the motives of people around me? Because I had one of those interesting "ah ha" or " uh huh..." moments happen to me recently. A couple weeks ago, I was at a special meeting - well there were a couple of meetings going on, and I opted to attend one while a friend attended another, primarily, in my never to be humble opinion, because of a particular guy over the meeting....uh huh. When my meeting concluded, I filed into the other, a couple of rows behind his main audience, to glean what I could. Unfortunately, the monotaneous tones of the presenter after my own meeting and a full work day, had the sandman on me fast, so I decided to multitask. I pulled out my snazzy new, LG EnV and started Bejeweled. The brotha went on for another hour at least, and my scores where getting better and better, occassionally I looked up in recognition, interest in his current topic, smiled and nodded :). But overall this portion of the meeting was a waste of my time, and I did not like his condescension on some matters he discussed, which was another reason I tuned out. Sooooooooooooo fast forward a week or so....my friend and I are having a convo about something, when she makes a comment about me being pre-occupied during the meeting the other week. Excuse me? I can not recall her exact words, but I immediately knew she was referring to my super interest in my new phone while her crush was rambling on. I also immediately knew that her guy had her ear and I could just imagine their convo.... Because, you see, I purposely sat at a vantage point that allowed me to watch her coo and sway in front of this brotha, so I could tease her about it later (and did she put on a spectacle). Without much effort, she could not see me or what I was doing. But he and I were eye to eye, when I looked up from the liquid sreen...smile, nod....

I had that really deep, disappointing, sign on the inside. Like what I thought, expected, hoped for in an old friend has vanished into dust. I said something back to her, to the affect that you tell more than you say wtih your words. A lot of other things I thought or had an inklng of were confirmed...Does this make her less of a friend? Well, we still kick it but she can not have my confidence...

It is quite a quandry. Thinking back over my life, all the friends that have come my way, wondering where they are. Some of them, I know - married and/or with kids somewhere. Living a life that I neither condone or would want to stand aside an watch. I am classist and aggregious that way, I've accepted it. So I'm having to operate on a need to know basis, and divvy out details to different individuals. The same friend once asked "don't you trust me" to which I reply " I trust you with what I've allowed you to know."

That goes for you too....

Break Away...

2007-05-24T13:02:00.000-04:00

I hate my job

After 1 year 1 month and 6 days, "hate" is by far the most appropriate word, unfortunately.

There is no amount of money that could keep me here - well maybe like $100K, but really I still might jump ship just for the peace of mind...but essentially I am ready to walk up on my supervisor give him the Peace sign like Pam on Martin and roll out. In the last month or so there have been occassions where if someone messed around and said the wrong thing, I would pick up my knock off coach bag and hollar later.

But I've had to pray and alter my attitude, that is not the way to be or the way to leave a future reference.

Aaaaaaaaahhhh, but I hate being here.

Hate commuting, hate what I am doing, and am totally disinterested in the business of the office I work in. I am lethargic and apathetic to the concerns of my clientele. .
The company I can work with, they transfer me out of this desert and onto more interesting landscapes I would stay with the company. I got sucked in by the name of a big international conglomeration and the natural desire to gain a new experience. I was also quite despondent about the position I was in at that time. Essentially a promotion opportunity came, but was given to someone else, internally, which is a good thing per se. But I was INCONSOLABLE. That's all there was to it, they did not select me, therefore I am bouncing, not staying another year or 2 in this position until they decide to move on. My professional attention span must be nil, I learn something new, master it, and need something else to do. I definitely believe and have been made aware that previous management personalities have addressed that ' You get bored, will get bored, you look bored....' but apparently lack the authority or mental fortitude to find another project for me, so I gotta go. I think I need to find myself one of those fast track executive programs or something....

Yeah, I'm AGGRESSIVELY looking, trying to make a transition at month end, but setting July 31 as the I JUST QUIT date. Stay posted....

Yeeeeeetttttt, because I have gotten comfortable I neglect some of the callbacks and follow thrus. There are my immediate needs (my sanity, more money, shorter commute) and long term goals (more earning potential, career satisfaction, family development-hahaha) to consider and nothing is really matching up. I am looking at relocating to a larger city that will offer greater opportunites socially and professionally. But then I got all this other stuff going, working with my church on an upcoming convention. It is tough right now.
Pray my strength

On another note, well maybe I'll just start another post on this topic....
Peace be with you....

I'm Blogging! I'm Blogging!

2007-05-23T14:30:00.001-04:00

Yes
After several months of membership and commenting in other blogs I've decided to add something to my own page. I guess cause I have some things to say about some things.
Go figure
But don't get too excited, because I got a million billion things going on right now, so the posting will definitely be sporatic.
But I just want to get some things off my chest.

That said, we'll have the invocation, that Lord will add a blessing to the messages I convey & everyone who visits this page:
Pater Noster, qui es in caelis, sanctificetur Nomen Tuum.
Adveniat Regnum Tuum. Fiat voluntas Tua, sicut in caelo et in terra.
Panem nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie, et dimitte nobis debita nostra sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris.
Et ne nos inducas in tentationem, sed libera nos a malo.
Amen.
(I wish this system allowed for macrons)